I’m too negative, I’m too much of a burden.

I recently had a conflict with my best friend.

I have noticed her pulling away in the last month of our friendship - and when I pointed it out, she became defensive.

I told her I didn’t believe her when she claimed I was significant in her life, because she was declining 3-4 invitations to hang out for various reasons. I also told her that it felt like she only hung out with me when it felt convenient to her (if I was on the way, if her boyfriend wasn’t available, if there were no other friends available, basically I seemed like last choice.)

She became defensive after telling me she felt offended - and now she’s cut off communication completely for over a month.

She told me she needed “space” to figure things out.

But our other mutual friend told me more information:

That she was being burnt out from “supporting” me in my depression and trauma - and that she didn’t want to be around negativity anymore.

I’m just completely hurt.

My worst fears come alive.

I’ve lived my whole fucking life trying not to burden others. I was raised to be a people pleaser. I was conditioned to always put other people’s needs first - because god forbid I have needs at all - I always strived to never burden others.

I never asked for anything from her - I only said quality time together in person would be helpful (when she asked how to support me.)

But with my best friend - I thought I could trust to tell her my anxieties and trauma around men. But apparently it’s too fucking negative to be around. As if I’m the problem for being negative? As if my trauma is invalid? As if men deserve to have a more positive impression?

I’m just so fucking done.

I already know I’m a burden.

I already withdraw enough so that I don’t burden others.

But apparently when someone tells you that it’s a “safe space” to be honest and vulnerable - it’s really just another opportunity for them to use it against you to not be around you anymore.

god I’m just so fucking done.

Why would a person claim that I’m loved and cared for and that it’s safe to be myself - when they just turn it around and shame you for it in the end? Just leave me alone to begin with.

Damn.

Sorry for the anger and frustration.