How I’m overcoming Puer Aeternus and gave up on my own prophecy

Listening to both of Dr. Ks lectures on Puer Aeternus resonated very strongly with me because I had recently identified this part of me on my own and have been getting better, so it was sort of mind blowing to hear this stuff and to see how many more people are going through the same thing. I think I have a somewhat unique experience on this subject (as ironic as that may sound) because of the nihilistic way of thinking that it brought onto me. I really hope that sharing my perspective might help somebody out there. I’m a 20 yo college student. I can say that I checked all of the boxes of a Puer that Dr. K went over. I have always known that I have the capacity to do something that a lot of people can’t and that led me to develop a “big ego” for lack of a better word. I jump from thing to thing giving my full effort until it becomes dull, becoming dissatisfied with the process. I have always shot for the moon in eveything I’ve ever done, telling myself that I’m going to do something that nobody else has because I’m special. I convinced myself that not only was I not allowed to do what ordinary people do, I also was not allowed to feel how ordinary people do. Nobody could understand how I felt because nobody could ever be like me. I threw myself in a limbo because it was easier than telling myself that I wasn’t anything special. My whole life that “specialness” had been at the pinnacle of everything, especially my self worth. Around when I turned 20 this January I started to come to terms with the fact that I was just as much human as anybody else, and the fact that I was good at things was not a stable foundation to build my self on. When I lost this, it felt like everything fell apart. I believed that there was no purpose to anything because the “purpose” I had been building was chalked up to some kind of prophecy that I had written for myself. (Side note, I think that this whole thing may have been a way for me to cope with death, convincing myself that I was more than I am) I would call this period of nihilistic thinking and depression an existential crisis, and the concept of death finally developing in my mind/brain. Lowest point of my life. Getting out of the dark apartment and coming back home for the summer/working helped this storm clear slowly, but what I would say really brought me out of this “puer Aeternus ” and made me begin to feel like I was finally growing, happened one day where it felt like a flip switched in my head. It felt like a brief moment of enlightenment. I sat down and made a list of the things I really wanted from life. When I sat down, I thought the list would be like “make an album, make a movie, make a video game, become wealthy, ect” —All the doors that were open for me. But it wasn’t. It was things like “Live a life I can smile at on my death bed, do what I can to make the world a better place, be somebody who has control over his mind and emotions, ect”. Since then I feel like there’s a direction I’m headed, and I don’t have to worry about all the doors that I’m shutting on the way. Not only that, but those doors don’t hold as much weight as they used to. I don’t have anything to prove, I don’t have to prove my potential. All I have is this life right now. Im just a human who is allowed to have the ordinary goal of being happy with his life. Of course I do still struggle with many many things, but it no longer feels like nothing matters, and I feel like I’m walking instead of standing. To wrap this up I want to say if you’re struggling with this and want to find a way forward, I would suggest sitting down and thinking about what you REALLY want from life beyond the doors you pass on the way. Think about your aspirations, not your desires. Personally that has made it much easier to be committed to my path forward. Yes, I’m just a 20 yo saying stuff with no educational value, but maybe one of you out there can resonate with this. Dr K., I love you and everything you’re doing for the world thank you so much for being who you are.