I didn't get the chance to get checked today..

I was so excited and scared for today but I got short in my finances to get my initial assessment today..

I feel like I just played the people involved. Like I waited for a month for this and many unplanned financial stuff came up. I was really hoping to get check today. My partner told me to reschedule because we really can't get check this time and he just held me all night while I cried myself to sleep last night.

I slowly had a new routine while waiting for the new routine adjustment for my new work. I was trying to make everyday worthwhile but because of this I don't have any energy for anything. I just want to curl up and cry but I know I can't do that. Maybe some fries or ice cream would help but I'm not sure if it can at this time. Biggest help to get me out of this is to get to see a capybara in real life but that's not really possible or maybe have the finances to get checked. I don't know..

I had a routine where in I wake up, do morning stretches, do my vocal warm ups and cook. I hate myself for having no energy to do my temporary routine. Like why am I like this? Can't I just move on and wait for what's going to happen next? All these thoughts over and over and I hate it. I hate being uncertain. I hate what I've become and I wish I was not me most of the time.. Not most to be honest but all of the time. I hate my brain and everytime I get a meltdown or shutdown or any type of episode I just want to end it or maybe someone can do it for me like a drunk driver or something. At the same time I know that's a wrong way of thinking. I try to comfort myself but it's hard having voices in my head fighting each other like one side wants me gone and the other want to just live live to the fullest. It's all too overwhelming and I'm just stuck..