***TRIGGER WARNING: talks about sexual assault and suicide***
I, 21 female, have had a number of situationships and I generally do not allow men to get too close to me, rightfully so. 
 
 have been objectified and targeted by men from the time I was very young and have had a number of sexual assault situations throughout my life that altered my sense of what sex is, being a woman, and who to trust. As I have worked through a lot of these feelings in some capacity (still not over the intense anger and distrust towards men), I had the worst instance happen to me about two years ago. I was drugged and raped. I was never the same after this and my outlook on life changed, I think, in a fucked up way, for the better. However, I fell into a very deep depression and went as far as to write a suicide note. I wasn’t sexually functional for quite some time. 

I have come a long way since then but still find myself on high alert, nightmares,and a propensity to fall into depressions that make me relive one of the worst times of my life. It is terrifying. 

Recently, I started to see this guy causally. After about a month it was clear that there was a connection of sort but he was definitely more into me. I found him very attractive but noticed that I am much smarter than him lol. In the last few weeks, I have fallen into another depressive episode. I tried to hide it as best I could but would catch myself reliving it in front of him. Very distressing. Then one time he wanted to have sex. There was just no way that I could do that but I did not want to tell him why, of course. So I just made up an excuse and said I wasn’t feeling it. The next day after bringing up that I didn’t want to have sex, he accused me of sleeping with someone else (I wasn’t but bitch I can if I want?!) and called me a liar. I was devastated. I tried to give a vague explanation but that wasn’t cutting it for him. So I told him in the most bare minimum detail that I was raped and sometimes my brain won’t allow me to have sex or enjoy my life at all for that matter. He sent me a series of texts about how he had no way of knowing that that was the problem and that he had every right to assume I’m sleeping around. So many texts in all caps and cussing at me because “I was lying and he didn’t have that information”. Attached is a small portion of what he sent but he’s stupid and is basically repeating the same thing a million times. I was/am crushed. He has since apologized saying that he was just mad in the moment. But the damage is done and his ass is blocked on everything. 

That brings me to now. I am beyond hurt that I keep meeting these guys that seem to have no sense of empathy or that I am “too much” for them. I should also note that I seldom share any sort of trauma and ,as mentioned, don’t allow people to get that close. I’m not looking for sympathy but maybe just a little understanding. However, I know that I am ultra-sensitive on this subject and could be overreacting and defensive. I am also very depressed at this time and feel like I’m suffocating to begin with which could affect my mindset. I would love to hear some new perspectives on this because my friends are going to take my side and I just don’t know if they would if they did not know and love me. Thank you to all those that took the time to read this. ❤️

Has my trauma made me too sensitive or is he emotionally immature?