Scientists discover gravitationally stretched space-time around Hilaria Baldwin's femur

1E, Science, July 2, 2025

By Luz de la Cruz, science correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a discovery that could upend our understanding of the universe, scientists found evidence of extremely localized gravitational distortions around Hilaria Baldwin's femurs.

The shocking discovery was announced this week in a new paper published in the Journal of Famewhore Astrophysics, authored by a research team of physicists from the US, France and Japan.

"Believe me when I say that Instagram was the last place I expected to find evidence of powerfully warped space-time," said Jean-Claude Remontoire, an astrophysicist with the European Space Agency. "But when I saw the Hilaria Baldwin video pop up on my feed, the evidence was indisputable -- the gravitational lensing around Hilaria's femurs exceeds anything we've seen aside from stellar bodies of extremely dense matter."

With an initial series of "quick, back of the napkin calculations," Remontoire's team estimated extreme time dilation effects -- for every minute that passes in the high-gravity area around the yoga instructor's thighs and below, seven minutes pass in the region above her waist.

"The effect is so pronounced that not only do Mrs. Baldwin's legs seem to stretch for light years, but half her body still exists in a pocket of time circa 2018, when the grift was still good and she hadn't been outed as a culturally appropriating fraud," the French astrophysicist noted. "That could explain why the stupid bitch still speaks with a variable accent and still engages in mortifying behavior, like snapping her fingers at others and shouting 'Ven aqui!'"

Noting that space-time is so heavily distorted around the Boston-born influencer's extremities, Remontoire pointed to the secondary and tertiary effects of the warped pockets of reality.

"One doesn't require careful measurement to see Mrs. Baldwin's toes are shockingly elongated. Observe the toes on her left foot in her bathing suit try-on video: her pinky toe is the longest, and each of her toes is visibly longer than her fingers," he noted. "She's like a monkey. All that's missing is an opposable thumb on her feet."

Hector Diaz-Rodriguez, a professor of physics at CalTech, said the new discovery "has profound implications not only for how we understand gravity as a fundamental force in our universe, but also the way we perceive Mrs. Baldwin's famous claw."

"There are implications for human biology and neural function as well," said Diaz-Rodriguez, noting that instructions from Baldwin's neurons are likely taking much longer to reach her legs, "which could provide an explanation for her hideously off-beat dancing."

Diaz-Rodriguez, who was not involved in the initial study, said he is closely examining the underlying math with a group of his graduate students to determine if Baldwin's smartphone is gravitationally locked to her person.

"It may be that she's physically incapable of putting the phone down," he said.

Baldwin herself seemed to acknowledge the scientific interest earlier this week when she "clapped back" at astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson, who wrote in a tweet that she was "a black hole of attention, gobbling up as much of it as she can from the cosmic firmament."

In the 23-second TikTok response, the actor's wife stood in her living room adorned in bright yellow from head to toe, wearing yellow poster board cut into the shape of a stylized sun while her husband and children circumnavigated around her like planets in orbit.

"POV," the caption read,"when a famous physicist tries to bully you online, but doesn't realize you're really a star." 
