The alienation is torture

Every day I wake up in despair. I immediately have flashbacks to being ostracized and failed by society. School failed me, NHS failed me, social services failed me. No future, no hope, no help, no belonging.

I'm completely excluded from the human race because I can't socialise, study or work. I don't get to experience group events like graduation. I'm the awkward burden in every social situation. Society has no space for me. It has no concept of me. It won't connect to me. It ignores me and misreads me. I will never belong on this planet. I'm just a worthless pointless autistic and I never should have existed. Being born was pointless.

I have to spend another 40 years in my bedroom, waiting for old age, watching neurotypicals ignore and misunderstand autistic people forever. There's nothing left to accomplish in my life. The boredom and marginal feeling is torture.

Nothing makes life worth it and yet I'm trapped here. There's no escape from the torture. I've reached out to every service in existence, even the school that failed me, and I just got ignored. I don't understand why I'm so ignorable, especially when school spent so long forcing me to attend? But now it doesn't care and I don't exist to them.

I'm tired of being invisible and pointless. If there was euthanasia in my country I would become one of those European autistics who chooses euthanasia because they're so lonely and pointless.