Loss of an only sibling; Diagnosed with (MDD), Complicated Grief, Anhedonia (This is my life).....

Hello,

I write this message here, so that whomever you are, will know the truth of my life; I have been in a continuous state of depression since 1982. When I was 15yrs old(1982), my only sibling died, he was 16yrs old. After he died, all my memories of my childhood, were gone, looking at photos, I could not remember things, after he died for 2 years; I felt a hollow empty feeling all around my body, as if my limbs had been disconnected, but they weren't. The day after he died, I developed (OAS) Oral Allergy Syndrome: Allergic to all fresh fruits, allergic to all fresh vegetables, allergic to all nuts, I still have (OAS) to this day, with a few variances of a certain type of apple, I can sometimes eat, and a certain type of lettuce, that I sometimes can eat. Diagnosed with IBS-C, unable to eat 100% Fried Foods, unable to eat 99% grilled foods, unable to eat 85% baked foods.

I have never been married, I have never had sex with a woman, sexually molested twice as a child, parents divorced at 12, then my only sibling died. My life destroyed, I wanted to kill myself, but every single time, that I even think of doing, Jesus steps in and keeps me from it; but I still have the feelings of wanting too, the depression is getting worse. I have a burning face disorder, where the sensations in my head, my face, my neck, my throat, feel like they are continuously on fire. I take medicine for this, it is an anti-depressant, but it doesn't work as one, I take 6 of these pills, plus 5 others for other things everyday, or every other day. My knee burns even now as if it is on fire, and I don't know why.

A feeling all the time that I don't exist, that I am disconnected from everyone and everything. Joined the US Military when I was young, I believe I was hoping to get killed, but Jesus/God, saved me even there. I am a Christian, the ones that believe in Jesus / God.

I have a cousin, who had 3 very Special children, all autistic, but very special, the youngest was a girl, she was not supposed to live through her birth, but she did. At 6yrs old, which is 11yrs ago, she told me that I was her Hero. I had 99% no contact with her growing up at all, except for me sleeping in a bed, and her at 3yrs old singing in her crib, and that is all the contact I had with her; but somehow, I was her Hero. It had been 33 years since my brother died, and no matter what I did, or where I went in my life up to that time, I was in darkness all the time, even with Jesus in my life, I always felt empty, I felt like the world would be better off, if I wasn't in it; and this girl comes into my life, and tells me that she loves me, and that if I say anything against myself in a bad way, while she is around, she would hit me, and tell me that I was wrong. She had two brothers, who felt the same, but she was the most vocal about her feelings towards me.

She and her brothers were in my life for 5 years. In that 5 years, I found "Hope" again, I found a reason to want to live, to push on with my life, I found a purpose to exist. In 2018, her parents blamed me, mostly for all the attention their kids were giving my mom and me, and so these very selfish people, kicked us out of their kids lives; and it has been that way ever since, in fact her 18 birthday is coming up soon. After the kids were kicked out of my life, my moms life, it felt as if my brother had died all over again. In the following years, I was forbidden to speak with them, to phone them, to send any kinds of presents, until two of them tried to kill themselves, and then I and my mom were allowed to send presents only for holidays and birthdays, but I was forbidden to say or write "I Love You", or show any type of support to them.

My mental state of health has deteriorated since then, darkness, is my life now, even with Jesus in it; when Covid hit, so many people dying, overwhelmed me, my depression overflowed in darkness, and the only way that I have survived is through Jesus/God. In my youth thirty some odd years ago, I found myself in some jobs, and in these jobs 3 separate times I almost died, instantly killed, but Jesus came to my rescue and literally saved me. I never have drank alcohol, the only drugs I do are from my doctor, and I don't vape or anything like that. To help me cope with the stresses of this life, I write poems; mostly sad, some Christian. I also have played video games since 1982: (NO PVP), I don't have the temperate for it. My Gamertags: are "IN MEMORANDUM", for my brother, so I will never forget him.

Unfortunately, the symptom of (MDD), where you lose interest in things, has gotten way worse, and my mom and her husband(step-father-91yrs old), don't see it, and think I am lazy; I barely have enough strength these days to get out of bed. They don't understand the losing interest in things, I try to explain, but it falls on deaf ears. I tell myself that I am going to do something, clean something, but I just can't get my mind to work. My US Military Psychiatrist that I had for 12years, told me that when my brother died, my brain shut down, and stopped working......

I DON'T WANT TO DIE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIVE, NOT LIKE THIS, SO I'M TRAPPED IN AN EXISTENCE OF SADNESS. I LOVE JESUS/GOD, I PRAY TO HIM EVERYDAY, AND IN THAT, I HAVE FOUND SOME PEACE. I HOPE YOU FIND SOMETHING IN MY WORDS, THAT WILL HELP YOU. I WILL PRAY FOR EVERYONE. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!