(vent) I am coming to terms with dying in that relationship one day

Trying to leave since many years. Tried therapy and got blamed for staying, that I would be to weak and dont know any boundaries. Spoiler, I have boundaries but my abuser is just the master manipulator.

I tried to leave so many times. And every time its like a rehab. And lets be real, its fucking dangerous. I went suicidal. I never experienced this in any other relationship. He made me to a psycho. I cant believe my own eyes anymore, my own feelings, nothing. I had a bright future, good degrees, set for life. And then he came.

Sometimes I wish I would be already dead. Because it will be a long time before he is old and with my luck he is getting 1000years old. So many beautiful women left and I am so proud. I dont know why I am so hopeless. I really tried to leave. I am so tired. I am so so so tired. I just want to sleep… for ever