We have no closure.

My dad died June 26th and if you looked at my posts throughout that time he was just angry to the end. He didn’t want to die. He was mad at everyone and everything and while you can rationally think “this isn’t about us or me” and “that’s valid” it doesn’t help the fact the entire family, but mostly my mom and I have zero closure, love expressed or anything. He couldn’t talk for the last month or so so even if he wanted to say something he couldn’t. The most I got was a head nod two days before he died when I told him I loved him.

We KNOW he loved us, he sacrificed everything, he worked himself to exhaustion, sold things he didn’t want to do us kids could eat, keep the lights on… yes he did all that but when you’re care giving for someone and watching everyday as their body stops working, you wipe your own dads ass, you drain the fluid in his stomach drain from the cancer, you do all of that and you don’t even get a smile… anything… no form of love and all you get is anger. It really does leave you with this sense of unfinished business. At least for me.

My mom didn’t even get a hug in the last 6 months he was alive let alone any form of affection.

I can also relationally think that this is probably apart of the dying process where they isolate and push people away. I hear men do this more often. They are angrier. Never accept their death. Etc.

It just feels a bit unfair. I guess? Idk. Maybe unfair isn’t the right term.

Anyway my mom and I are leaving for a camping trip in 5 days to get away from the house we have been prisoners to for the last 6 months. We just can’t stand to even be in here anymore. It feels… idk. Not even like home anymore. Maybe that will clear our heads a little.