I dont wanna be trans

I dont want to be trans. Its not that i hate it, its not that i dont want to be trans because i wish i was a biological girl(i do wish i was a biological girl ofc but thats not what this is about)

Maybe this is internalized transphobia, maybe it is just a voice of comfort and reason. But i just wish I wasnt trans.

The hardest choice is between transitioning or not. I dont want to have difficulty in jobs, i dont wanna be a freak to the people i could kinda hang around before, i dont wanna be this weirdo.

I hate that my passion: fighting sports, is practically impossible to properly do on E, not just that I cant compete anymore but everythings gonna be harder. I like being strong and I like muscles, but I hate that I have man muscles and not girl muscles. This shit is so annoying

How do I cope? I keep rethinking taking estrogen (on HRT since like 1 week) I dont wanna always take meds, do bloodtests, be scared at night, be a freak to cishets, be second guessing myself. Be harrassed, and basically everything shitty a trans woman and a cis woman have to go through.

The world sucks for transfems and im so annoyed i have to be trans. I dont wanna grow boobs and not be able to take my shirt of without being a freak in the gym or the beach.

But at the same time I wanna look like a woman so bad, I want tits because I hate my flat chest, I want fat distribution because I hate my boyish shape, I want to pass and I want the positive things. But im not sure what outweights what.

I doubted my trans-ness a lot because i like so many manly things, i like having tones muscles(as said inhope hrt can make them girl muscles?) i like the gym, i like fighting, i like motorcycles. I like "brohood" iver sisterhood (but brohood with girls not cishet guys, and like a girl brohood kinda thing)

Idk

This fucking me uo at night

How do I cope? Many of my now deleted posts yall have been such a great help, im truly thankfull and now im searching help again, this is eating me up

Everyday i look in the mirror and wonder If id even like tits, but im never sure.

I have this problem where i cant imagine images and much less myself, so i cant just add tits in my imagination, i cant imagine myself in a girls body or anything so this makes it extra hard(with imagine i mean like picture, not as in i dont want or cant think of myself or smth like i literally cant imagine pictures or visual at all)

Pls help