day ruined

was so stoked for my july 4 vacation. i got today and tomorrow off. We had plans to do something together for today and tomorrow. He's been in a manic phase for the past week or so, so loving, so kind, i was so happy. But this morning i was sitting drinking my coffee , scrolling on my phone, he asked what i wanted to do. he gave a suggestion and i said "not sure im into that today" . next thing i know, he's flipping chairs over the deck, throwing things, and worse, came over and shook me asking "why do i make (him) feel like a piece of shit" an hour of "im so sorry" then "get the fuck out of this house" ; claiming an argument we had 3 months triggered this reaction. then of course he needed "personal space" and i was banished. (we don't live together)

My whole day was me crying , sad, watching movies . energy drained from a fight i didn't cause. I had wanted to get out together so bad. I'm always working and we never get days off together.

i'm sick of never being able to rely on him for plans. i quit renting airbnbs long ago bc his mood sometimes flips, and we don't go on our trip and ive lost hundreds. i've got too much life to live for this shit. i didn't deserve to spend my days off crying in bed. i want to do things , go places. i did more fun shit when i was single on my own.

his illness is holding me back. it worries me his flip outs are becoming more violent. i love him so much but this is getting to be too much.