I just walked away from an escort booking. I was at the doorstep. Going home sober but shook and disappointed.

Tonight I got very strong urges that I couldn’t handle. I texted dozens of escorts. Heard back from a few but was too lazy to make the distance. Then one got back who was nearby and who I wanted to see. Arranged to meet. I biked to her place. On the way in the cold night air I was having second thoughts. I knew I shouldn’t go. I thought of how else I could spend the money. I wanted an act of God to stop me from acting out. But I was going through the motions. I was stuck in the pain of being alone.

Once I got there I texted her. But she didn’t text back. I waited. No response. I gave her 15 minutes. Still no response. So I booked a taxi.

Just before the cab came she texted me - for some reason my text didn’t arrive on her phone. She missed it. She apologized, I said it’s okay. I told her I left and I’m tired. I also felt disappointed. I did want to act out. It hurt to tell her I was going home.

I’m in the cab on the way home now. I’m still sober but it’s completely by a stroke of good luck. I would have gone through with it if she’d texted back sooner. So I got an extension on my sobriety.

Just wanted to check this in case I’m exhausted. Going to bed right when I get home. Feeling ambivalent about this experience.