It’s so confusing to be out of an abusive relationship

My ex broke up with me over 2 months ago now. I told her she needed to go back to living with her parents as I wasn’t going to be her wallet and emotional punching bag anymore.

We had been dating for 8 years, living together for 5 years.

She’s been gone just over a month. Took her a while to leave as in her words she liked seeing me sad. She ripped into everything about me, all the things she had claimed to love about me became major flaws to be ashamed of. All while detailing all the guys she would rather be sleeping with/ dating.

It was the lowest most humiliating point of my life. I didn’t want to come home from work. Every moment around her became agony, and whenever I looked into her eyes, I saw no familiarity there. I didn’t see a person behind her eyes. They were just empty.

For context on the breakup, she ended things on the spot after I asked if she was cheating. I asked due to feeling she was acting differently, like being odd with her phone and rushing to turn her screen off when I’d walk into the room.

I had loved her so deeply, and maintained profound empathy for her throughout the entirety of our relationship. She had always struggled with her mental health. I was very foolish and young and never questioned what I now know to be gaslighting.

Back in 2022, I asked her if she could at least clean up after herself as I was working and studying and she had no commitments, and I was too exhausted to maintain the house husband gag any longer. This resulted in her threatening to take her own life, and a suicide attempt a few months later.

Following that event, I guess I just went into autopilot. It broke my heart and I felt immense guilt. I believed her lies of being unable to live with her family/ that her childhood trauma made her suffering too unbearable to take care of herself. I washed her dishes, did her laundry, cooked all of her meals, cleaned the house by myself, paid for all of her living costs, all while studying and working. While she remained unemployed.

This continued until our breakup roughly two months ago.

Since she left, I have felt intense anger at both her and myself. Why did I allow this to continue for so many years? How could she do this to me? Well, I was referred to a specialist in narcissistic abuse and am beginning to understand why.

I feel very lucky to have my life back. My hair is already growing thicker, I have energy, I am no longer being psychologically tortured every day. No longer a slave.

Each day is better than the last, but I do struggle still. Being discarded and dehumanised after giving her everything I had has really left a mark on my brain.

When I’m alone I ruminate on all of it. I run in circles and still question myself. And I just can’t believe this is my life. I really just can’t believe that this happened. I can’t believe I was basically a slave for a stranger, someone I was manipulated into loving, who hid their true self until the evidence against them just couldn’t be ignored anymore.