40 and realising I have a lot of internal sex shame

I came out as a teenager, had generally-supportive parents and never suffered egregious bullying or violence for being gay. I met my now-husband at 18 and we’ve been together ever since. We opened our relationship around seven years ago and it seems to work for us.

I thought I was fully confident in my queer identity. This is true personally, politically, professionally, etc. I am publicly OUT and PROUD to be gay. I am sex positive and open with my friends; Definitely not a prude!

But I’ve been going through some therapy recently, and I am realising that I am carrying a LOT of internal shame about sex. I’ve had plenty of fun sex, but I am discovering that I have always found it easier to satisfy my partners’ needs rather than think about my own personal tastes. There is a dark and self-hating part of my brain that feels shameful and dirty to even think about my own desires.

I am trying to figure out how to explore my sexual tastes at this age. I feel embarrassed to ask sex partners to almost treat me like a virgin and give me time to play around and explore what I like. It feels like coming out all over again!

Has anyone else experienced this?? I am lost, and currently just avoiding sex entirely.