90 Days No Contact - Getting There

Was replying to someone here and realized today marks 90 days NC for me. It's been interesting. What it's been like, what I've learned, and hopefully some helpful tips for others.

• Time continues to pass. In the moment, you feel like the intense low you are feeling (which also seems to make time go by so slow) will last forever, that it's your new permanent state. It's not. By about day 70 I noticed I was actually having some good days and not constantly ruminating and stewing over this person.

• Distance is key. I was with my ex for 2 years, we broke up about 5-6 months ago. I found that every time i broke no contact and reached out...i'd get that brief dopamine hit, but then it would send me back into a pit of despair and into a darker place than I had been before. If I could do it again, I would never have reached out a single time. I had convinced myself that if i just said the right combination of words to them, i would get either true closure or a reconnection. Sadly enough, at one point I had said the right combination of words...and we reconnected...but then it fizzled out very ambiguously, and it was even worse than being broken up with. Again, I wish I never gave in to the intrusive thinking of just getting "one more hit."

• Fake being strong to actually be strong. This seems to be an atypical aspect with other folks in this sub, but I work with my ex. Indirectly, we don't ever interact, and I don't really ever see her...but projects overlap, names get mentioned, topics get brought up. Work has been a low level constant trigger for me, it's unavoidable. A couple months ago I had a very intense mental and emotional unraveling that resulted in me taking several intermittent days off, people noticed that I looked dead, and inevitably...gossip spreads. That is to say, I feel the last thing you want your ex to have is an ego boost of "see, they can't live without me." It's hard as hell, but if you're in a situation around mutual friends, I feel you need to put on a mask and act at least okay. Which brings me to the next one.

• Beware the Breadcrumb. Right on Day 75, after a stretch of legitimately feeling back to normal. I was on my couch and oddly found myself longing for them again. Then, I suddenly get a text from them, after 75 days of No Contact and 2 years together which was simply: "How is your mental health?" This was frankly shocking. No "hi," no "how are you," no "I heard you were having a tough time." What a bizarre way to reach out? Cold, detached, sterile, clinical. At first I laughed, I found it ridiculous. Also, this completely shattered the illusion/fantasy I had about this person, and oddly enough...I found it to be important for me to keep moving on. I didn't respond, I didn't even open it. The next day, they followed up with just a question mark, likely because I didn't reply. I still didn't reply, and I haven't heard anything since. It's been two weeks since then and i've had a variety of thoughts about it...why ask me like that? did she somehow get word that I was having a mental health problem, and if so, why ask after it was over with? did this come from a place of genuine care, or was it just a power play? I'm still struggling with just letting this one go. On one hand it was a serious wakeup call I needed...but on the other hand I think it has hindered my healing just a bit.

• Stick to the basics. I know everyone says it, but there's a reason why they do. Stay active, get good sleep, eat good food, engage in hobbies in interests. I went through about 7 weeks of pure anhedonia, no desire to do anything at all, and my old hobbies/outlets didn't bring me joy. Eventually i forced myself to, and I'm glad i did. Truly, fake it til you make it. But all in all, I find that I have to ensure i'm keeping my mind/body active, getting good sleep, and eating well...because if either of those slip, I tend to feel stuck.

Anyways. Day 90 feels better than Day 60. The waves still come, but they aren't as severe. I don't know how long until I'm truly Over It, but it's hard to not notice progress being made. This is coming from someone who was deep in the pit, convinced the despair, depression, and anxiety was my new normal..and i'm glad i'm starting to feel the light.