Side effects and no doctor can tell me what's wrong

Hi everyone, I'm trying as a last resort to write a post here. I so hope to find someone with the same experience as me out there or at least someone who can relate... Or believe me. I feel like not even people close to me believe me. Surely doctors don't. They have no clue what to do with me. I've always trusted doctors but at this point I'm at my wits end and I'm writing to strangers on the internet.

So, I've been having episodic DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) for years and I have a diagnosed OCD, which is quite a nasty combo because OCD easily makes you hyperfixate on things like DPDR. Also, I have generalized anxiety. A couple of years ago, the anxiety got really bad and, since so many people tried meds and got better, I thought that I could give those a try and was actually very happy to do so; I wasn't scared because I didn't know a thing about side effects. I just went to the doctor, asked if it was something that we could do and got the meds. I was prescribed Vortioxetine, which usually isn't the first line of treatment but for a series of reasons I can't gain weight and I was told that Vortioxetine was the one with the slightest chances of weight gain.

I lasted just 6 days with the Vortioxetine (10 mg). It was a nightmare. My DPDR got HORRIBLE. I was bedridden, shaking, crying all the time, couldn't eat, got multiple panic attacks a day, felt like I was going insane. And yeah, no, it wasn't your "normal side effects". I know what some of you are going to reply to this: "Yeah, but it's normal, at the beginning all meds make your symptoms worse and make you feel bad, then sometime maybe you get better and it's worth it!!" Yeah, no. This wasn't a little bit of nausea, or some hightened anxiety. I'm talking about the fact that it made me suicidal. I thought I wasn't going to make it. Thank God I didn't take it for longer than that, took me two weeks but I went back to normal - kinda, because I was so traumatized that I didn't even want to take supplements anymore. I swore that I'd never take meds again.

Fast forward to a couple of years later, my anxiety and OCD got worse. I started having panic attacks (didn't have them before, I only had them while taking the Vortioxetine) and the DPDR episodes started again, together with the panic attacks. I was desperate for a solution, so I set my fears aside and went to see a psychiatrist. I told her about the issues I had with Vortioxetine and she said that the initial dosage I was put on was way too high. She said that DPDR is caused solely by anxiety and that I have to figure that out with my psychologist. She prescribed me Lexapro: 3 mg for one week, then 5 mg, then 10 mg. She said that the reactions I had were due to the sudden high dosage of the med. I took the Lexapro. Was fine when taking 3 mg, then as soon as I upped the dose at 5 mg the same symptoms as the Vortioxetine started. I was detatched from reality, DPDR 24/7, I was bedridden, couldn't eat anything at all, felt like I was going insane and I was nearly taken to the ER by my father, because I was really in a bad place. I've stopped taking it and the DPDR hasn't gone away yet. It's gotten better already, but I keep seeing myself from the outside all the time and it's quite scary. I'm trying to stay distracted, but it's quite hard as this gets worse randomly. The only thing that makes it better is Xanax, but I know that I can't take too much of that, because of the addiction risk, so I only take it in extreme cases.

Is there someone out there who relates to my story? Someone who's been through the same? I'm very very lost. I tried talking about this on other threads on Reddit, I tried talking to doctors, I tried contacting my psychiatrist and nobody seems to get it. They keep telling me that these low doses of SSRIs can't possibly give me that many side effects and that they shouldn't last for days anyway. But I'm now four days after stopping Lexapro and, even though I'm getting better, I still have symptoms. The nausea is still there, I keep crying and my emotions are still numb. And no, I did not imagine this. No this is not anxiety. No I'm not looking for attention. No, I'm not against meds; I just wish that they worked for me like they seem to do for every person around me!! It seems like even the smallest dose of SSRIs triggers some sort of horrible reaction in me and I just want to know if there is a single soul out there having gone through the same thing. I'm even having withdrawals from those small doses of Lexapro. And yes, doctors tell me that I imagine them or that it's anxiety, but there is a limit to what I can imagine. Besides, why in the world would I want to imagine that I'm sick?! I just want my life to be great and happy, I want to be happy and back to how I was before taking this. With my anxiety and everything.

Thank you all for reading 🫶