I have to magically get my sh*t together before my next doctor's appointment, or else it's back to hell on earth.

During the pandemic, I had OCD. And to say it was bad would be an understatement. I had full on demons talking to me in my head; my mind telling me that taking a shower is an unholy baptism; eating things like rice and bread was some sort of spiritual poison, where eating it will kill my soul and send me to hell one day; delusions I was giving myself and other people the mark of the beast; and full on panic attacks out of nowhere, stemming from the fear of being left behind once the impending rapture starts. In that era, I also had this nightmare where I was being raped in hell.

I have no idea what took my parents so long to get me help. For months and years, every single thing I said and did was a cry for help.

I come from a big, lower middle class family. We can't afford going to a private doctor, so I have nowhere else to go other than the NCMH.

There are three types of patients in the NCMH: Child, Elderly, and Adult; Children and Elderly patients being assisted quicker than the adult patients.

Going there as a child patient already sucks, can't imagine how it'd be when I turn 19. (child patients are 18 and below). If you go there, you know what I'm talking about: it's the very long waiting time.

"Kuya..." Dad says. "Kilangan magaling ka na, dapat last visit na natin 'to."

"Oonga po, eh. Mag-na-ninteen na po ako. Satingin mo po ba good idea kung itatanong ko po kelan ako gagaling?"

"Tignan natin."

From what the doctor told me, it looks like I'll still need a while to get better.

I tried looking for a job, so that I can afford psychiatrist visits and meds somewhere else; didn't find one. Tried applying for a transcription job online, Paypal immediately disables my account the moment I submitted my ID.

I don't want to work anymore, I don't what to go to school, I don't what to eat, I am official so done with existing.

Things we're going so well. I finally stopped being insane, and I'm recovering every now and then.

You might be saying, "What's so bad about that? Can't you just go to NCMH as an adult?"

Well maybe I could. But I don't know how to commute, and I don't understand the many, complicated paperworks and adult terminologies they have there. I don't even know which pavilion to go to. I don't know shit from shit, on how that place operates. My parents were bringing me there, of course they knew what to do. Too bad my dad literally told me I'll have to learn how to do this on my own, soon.

Apart from this, it also hurts how my dad always encourages me to achieve sanity in an ableist way. Every time my parents talk about my autism and ocd, it's always with a tone and word choice as if having mental disorders are taboo. They also keep comparing me to lunatics they see on tv or facebook, and they're always like "I'm so glad, anak natin kasama sa mga high functioning type." It's like an homage of spite to how my brain is built.

I still have ticks and OCD delusions. I have more of a chance at winning the lottery twice, than healing before the day comes.

Oh sanity, how precious you are to me.

I keep asking my parents to teach me how to go there on my own. "Soon," they say. But soon never came.

tl;dr: My parents will no longer want to assist me in mental health hospitals, but no one wants to teach me the way things work, and how to get there.