It was my fault.

We’re both 28. Been together for 2 years. He broke up with me, it’s been 26 days since the BU.

We had a fight where I cussed out of anger for something he said (and for a week I told him that think I was having a burnout because of work) it could’ve been avoided I was in no place to cuss out but I did and I regret it because it was disrespectful and he didn’t deserve that.

You see, I did every mistake in the book in terms of being too needy, pushing him to get a job, drive, make money, stop hanging out with some friends, etc. Prior to the break up he became cold and distant for two weeks and instead of giving him the space he asked for I panicked and I was telling him I will work on myself but I knew that it was too late and on June 10th at midnight, he told me it’s over after an attempt on my part to try and bring him back to me, but he had enough of me and called it quits. Of course we cried and I begged, spiraled into madness but he said: I’m fucking done fighting.

I was so ignorant back then I thought I was helping him but I should’ve just listened. I always apologized and took accountability. He was patient, calm, shy, loyal and I had very little patience, I was talkative and I had enough ambition in me to motivate us both at work because we’re colleagues and I felt physically and emotionally drained from it so I completely lost control of my emotions and reactions and I’d communicate that I felt exhausted and he was there for me but at times when I’d ask him if he wanted to talk about things because I knew that communication was very important, he’d say: you’re the talker I just like to listen.

I was insecure, anxious, scared, and I was too hard on him but I’d tell him that I wanted to start therapy and like every other relationship, we had the best moments together. We have a lot of things in common and we share core values: marriage, kids, loyalty, honesty, kindness, generosity, respecting others.

I am not only hurting, my vocabulary isn’t that rich to describe the pain I’m feeling. The next day after the BU, I saw him at work and he went NC immediately so he ignores me and acts like I’m not even there, I only tried to talk to him once outside of work and he seemed very anxious and told me please I can’t repeatedly and walked away.

I had to take some days off because I thought I was going to die and I started seeing him talking to female colleagues that I used to tell him not to speak to unless it was related to work but now he seemed ok, he was laughing at the top of his lungs and I was quietly and secretly crying behind my computer.

Ever since that fight, I promised him I would work on my self even though he didn’t believe me but it’s been more than a month since then and I have apologized to some people in my life for my behavior, I’m seeking help with therapy, reading about emotional intelligence, attachment styles, and the most important thing is that I’m reconnecting with my faith.

I watched every video, read every article about getting an ex back and I had so much hope but I know that I can’t get him back, I used to think that because we met each other’s families, talked about getting married, did everything together, called each other husband and wife, told each other the deepest secrets and stuck through the hardest moments of our lives: sickness, death, work, money problems, etc. I thought that it made us stronger…

He said he’d never forgive me for cussing out and disrespecting him like that, the cussing was in no way, shape or form directed at him but since I used it in a moment of anger, he went berserk. He said that he would’ve preferred if I cheated, he said I didn’t just cross the bridge, I burned it and now, he completely took me out of his life and of course took off my ring and everything related to me.

I am not looking for hope, maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. I don’t want to go into detail about our whole relationship, I guess I want to paint myself as a monster because I always thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone.

I met him when we were 25/26 and I promised him that we’d improve ourselves together and I did help him become the best version of himself to the point where he would tell me that I helped him become a better man and always thanked me for it but now it feels like he resents me and hates me for making him emotionally exhausted and I deeply regret it, I’ve apologized and took accountability throughout the whole relationship and improved a lot but now I wonder if this resentment was something he’s been holding onto for the longest time…

I really regret it, I know that it’s a lesson and a blessing in disguise, I’ve talked to several people to understand my wrongdoings and some say that he should’ve expressed himself more and some say that he’s exhausted but now after almost a month of NC I understand that I can’t change anything about it I thought I was doing my best back then and I obviously have very low self-esteem despite acting like I’m super confident and I’m so sad for myself for waking up every morning telling myself I’m not worthy of love and I ruin everything I touch I lost a good man and I’m paying the price