23 [m4a] uk - I gave my gf a free pass during uni: now I have to live with it

My gf has always had an incredibly intense libido. She’s by far the more adventurous of the two of us when it comes to anything sexual. She’s had more past partners, experimented with more kinks, and is quite frankly just better in bed than I am. We first met when we were 17 and had a passionate year before we both went to different universities at opposite ends of the country. The first two years of this overlapped with covid so we hardly saw each other in person. Needless to say, she really missed sex. We had previously joked about opening our relationship to satisfy her desires, but it was never serious. Not until she basically gave me an ultimatum after a year apart: open our relationship or we break up. Obviously I chose the former.

A few years later she’s slept with twenty other men and had sex that I know I can’t provide. And she’s told me it all in great detail: a ons with a 9” BWC, a threesome with two BBCs, a few nights with other girls, and several long term FWBs, some of whom I’ve met and had to awkwardly make small talk with. The humiliation is unimaginable and yet it somehow accentuates my desire for her. It’s complicated.

Now we’ve both finished uni and are living together we’ve agreed to close the relationship. She’s had her fun and now wants to commit to me. But the images and stories are driven into my mind and won’t come out.

In many ways we’re the perfect couple. I dare say we’ll marry, have kids, grow old together. But these three years will never not be there. I’ve got to live with that. The most humiliating part is I don’t regret it at all.