Life's not good... Everything feels hollow and so much pressure

I (19M) have wanted to say this for a long time but didn’t have the courage.

For the past 4 years, my life hasn’t been good. I’m physically healthy, and thankfully, my family is doing fine health-wise too and I’m grateful for that. But mentally, I’m not okay. There's way too much self-imposed pressure to achieve all these goals I’ve set for myself. Nobody forced me into them—I chose them because I love what I do. But now it all feels like it's falling apart.

Since COVID hit, I’ve had no friends. I barely leave the house—not because anyone stops me, but because I don’t have a license, and honestly, I don’t want distractions from my studies.

My parents are kind and supportive. They encourage me to make friends, to go out and enjoy life. But I just don’t have the social confidence. I feel worthless sometimes. I can’t even shake someone’s hand without thinking, “If they touch me, maybe their worth will go down. I’m that low.”

Back in 2021, a toxic relative said some really hurtful things to me—stuff like “If you don’t follow the path I set for you, you’ll fail at life,” and “You’re delusional.” He even told my parents terrible things about me. I didn’t take his path. I chose my own. But... I haven’t reached anywhere yet. That voice still haunts me.

Right now, I’m doing well academically—9+ CGPA, near the top of my class. But that’s literally all I do. Just study. All day. And even then, I zone out a lot. I still get good marks, but the pressure to maintain this is slowly killing me.

There’s a test coming up, and I’m scared it’ll go badly because I make silly mistakes. I’m not confident. I can’t even look in the mirror. I avoid it, because I feel ashamed of who I’ve become—even though on paper, I’m doing “well.”

Everything feels hollow. I can’t find a single show or movie that excites me anymore. I try to watch something with my family, but I can’t focus. Then it turns into a fight, with people asking why I can’t even pick something to watch. They don’t know how much noise is in my head.

I’ve tied my self-worth completely to my grades and achievements. And while my family is supportive, I feel like I am the problem. I wish I could change that belief, but I haven’t been able to.

My small dream—my biggest goal right now—is this:
If I do well in the upcoming test, I want to go up to the terrace, lie down, and look at the beautiful blue sky with birds flying freely above me. Just... smile. Just exist without pressure.

That might sound small or boring to someone else. But to me, it would be everything.

That’s all I wanted to say. Thank you if you read this far.
Please don’t downvote—it would really hurt me.
I just needed someone to listen.

If you’re reading this, I hope you have a good day—and a beautiful life ahead.
Best wishes. 💙

Ps - used chatGPT for structuring the para