Does anyone else struggle very hard with substance abuse

Ever since I got access to substances of any sort I wrnt straight to abuse. I drink every day pretty heavily, typically a pint or more of liquor per day and envy my peers who can control their drinking so much. I smoke weed every day and use psychedelics every few weeks

Yesterday I walked into a bar I go to a lot and the bartender looked me in the eyes and asked if I was okay which sent a jolt down my spine. I guess something about my demeanor spoke to how unhappy I am. It was alarming to know other people can tell.

I feel very alone in the trans community. I don't relate to most other trans guys I meet and Ive been stealth since I was 18. Most of my friends don't know I'm trans and having to "hide" it contributes heavily to my drinking

I don't have top surgery and the summer has been so hard for my body. Sweating so much makes me want to drink more which in turn makes me sweat more. A bad cycle. I'm trying to save but my substance abuse drains my wallet. I live check to check

if I had top surgery I genuinely think I would just drop out of society