Flutters

During the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I started to wake up around 5 am each morning. Not by nausea, not by any triggers to go to the washroom… I simply woke up and realized I was pregnant. It was a nice way to wake up..

Now that I’m medically inducing my miscarriage today… at 10 am exactly.. I woke up again at 5 am and felt despair… anger.. and desperation..

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. My baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. Things felt so easy..

My mom gave birth to 7 kids. I’m healthy (well I am overweight for my height) but overall healthy. My husband is healthy. After actively trying for 3 months we got pregnant.How did it turn out this way?

I was ignorant, I was hopeful. Things felt easy. Now all I feel is darkness..

I had a friend tell me that at least I can get pregnant.. that doesn’t change the fact that I am losing a pregnancy… and I feel for her as she spent multiple years trying to have her child (which she did).

I have friends that say it’s common… I understand. It doesn’t change things….

I’ve always been a problem child in terms of being overweight (31F, weight fluctuated around 185-210- after being off birth control), I have allergies. Something always happens to me (being the runt of the family) And I feel like it’s the same thing here…. Or maybe I’m looking to blame myself… I am not sure.

I have been obsessed with reading how to conceive immediately while mourning the loss of my baby.

I am just lost. I am no longer me.