I can't become better. Can’t stop it. So disgusted.

Posted this yesterday but deleted the post and account since I was unsure if I should choose this path. Guess I am taking this past.

Also, today I ended up memorizing the Quran while rubbing my clit. It felt really good. I was moaning and struggling to continue. (I’m a hifz student)

I can't think well these days. I’ve been masturbating and touching myself ever since I was eight. I tried to stop it throughout the years. I'm 18 now. Lately I don't get pleasure from the normal stuff. I needed more. I came here before and texted some redditors who wanted me to abandon my religion (Islam) and worship them and call them my god. Idk why I did it, probably because I no longer felt like a Muslim girl. He made me do a lot of things. Praying with my pussy stuffed, kept me stuffed for days, and made me fuck myself while listening to Quran. Sometimes made me recite it too.

I left him, but I can't stop how this is affecting me. When I hear the Quran or read it, I become so wet I can't think straight. I ended up pleasuring myself. I just felt really disgusted and empty afterwards with myself. He said I wont be able to live without fucking myself everyday, and that it was my choice to sacrifice it all. And I agree with him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so disgusted and lost. I'm no longer a Muslim either. I don't know what my purpose is now.