My wife seems emotionally distant from our kids — how do I talk to her about it?

Hi. My wife (30 F) and I (31 M) have been married for 9 years. We have two kids — a 6-year-old boy and a 3-month-old baby — and two cats. My wife is an incredible person. She’s sweet, friendly, supportive, loves art, sports, and nature. She’s always kind to those around her, always trying to help, and she loves to have fun. She has a stable job, and I truly can’t say anything negative about how she is overall.

But I’ve started feeling that maybe she never really wanted to have children — or that she doesn’t feel fully connected to them. Sometimes it even feels like she’s more emotionally attached to our cats than to our kids. (And I love our cats — they’re part of the family, this isn’t about that.)

She’s warm and affectionate with people close to her — with me, with friends, with family, with the cats. But somehow, when it comes to our boys… it feels different.

Please understand — she’s a responsible, caring mother. She feeds them, changes the baby without delay, sometimes plays with them, reads to them before bed, takes them out to the park, and really puts effort into raising them. But still, there’s something missing. I don’t see that deep emotional bond. I don’t see the same affection or connection she shares with others. She feels emotionally distant from them. And I’m struggling to understand it.

I did something I’m not proud of — I set up a hidden camera in the baby’s room. I know that’s not okay, and I wouldn’t normally do something like that. But I wanted to know if I was just imagining things. What I saw reflected what I’d been feeling: she does everything she’s supposed to, especially when I’m not home, but the way she interacts with them lacks that emotional warmth. Her voice is neutral, she doesn’t say “I love you,” doesn’t hug them in a heartfelt way.

When I get sick, for example, she’s instantly there — fully present, focused, nurturing, attentive to every little thing. When the kids are sick, she’ll inform me, take them to the doctor — but something feels absent emotionally. It’s like she’s just… not fully with them.

Back when we met, she told me she didn’t really want kids. Later, probably because of me, she said she might want one. Then she got pregnant, and I think she chose to go through with it for my sake. I saw the same emotional distance with our first child too. She always cared for him — no complaints there — but I think even he senses the difference. When something’s wrong, he comes to me first.

She also has a chronic condition that made it unlikely or risky to have kids in the first place — but somehow, it happened. A few years later, she became pregnant again. Her doctor told her this would be her last pregnancy, no matter what she chose. I was excited. She wasn’t. I think she kept the pregnancy again mostly for me.

Now I find myself stuck with this ache in my chest. I love my family deeply. But it hurts to see her want to do anything else but be around the kids. It hurts when I feel like she’s just enduring motherhood out of obligation. She never complains — even when she wants to go to an event that’s not kid-friendly and I can’t cover at home, she doesn’t say a word. But I can see it in her eyes: this isn’t the life she wanted.

So now I don’t know what to do. How do I bring this up without hurting her? She hasn’t done anything wrong — not one thing I could accuse her of. But I can’t ignore the emotional gap I’m seeing. It’s affecting me, and I’m scared it’ll eventually affect the kids even more.