Confused af

Confused af

Been married 7 years, together 14. I've cheated the whole time. Now I'm spiraling.

I'm a 35-year-old guy. I've been with my wife for 14 years, married for 7. On paper, we have a good life. But underneath it, I've been cheating on her for basically our entire relationship.

It started with random hookups. Never emotional, just physical. I always told myself it didn't mean anything. But over the last 6 years, it's changed. I've been on Grindr, meeting guys, and hooking up with trans girls too. Sometimes I'm top, sometimes bottom. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not straight, and I've never fully owned that.

The most recent person I met was a trans girl who lives near my work. We flirted a bit online, then saw each other in the street once and said hi. Eventually we met, kissed—and it was electric. Like movie-scene levels of chemistry. She said she'd never felt anything like it. I felt the same.

We exchanged numbers. We met a few times. Nothing major, just brief moments, stolen kisses. Then she messaged me saying she wanted to go to the cinema, have someone to cuddle with. I told her I was married—she already knew, but I reiterated it—and explained that I couldn’t do that kind of thing. Still, I wanted to keep seeing her.

Then her Aunt got sick, and we didn’t talk for a few days.

Around the same time, my wife saw a message on my phone from the girl. It wasn’t explicit this time thank god but she could tell it wasn’t innocent either. I managed to delete most of the chat before she saw everything. I panicked and told her it was a girl who’d come into my work, that we’d flirted a bit and exchanged numbers, and that it only lasted a week. I didn’t tell her the girl is trans. She was furious. I promised to cut contact.

But I didn’t. I messaged the girl again. She was struggling—her aunt was dying, she was overwhelmed—and I wasn’t helping. I met her again to tell her we shouldn’t see each other anymore because I wanted to save my marriage. But I still liked her. I told her that. She said we could be friends. I messaged her again and said I couldn't handle being "just friends" and that I wanted more. Then my wife called and saw I was online. She asked who I was talking to. I panicked, said "no one," and messaged the girl again to say it was over.

She was upset. She said I was giving her mixed signals and hassling her while she was dealing with grief. She blocked me. I messaged her an apology the next day on Grindr. She blocked me there too.

I feel like an absolute mess.

I love my wife. I love our family. But I also really liked this girl. And now I’ve hurt both of them. And myself. I know I brought it on myself. I’ve lived a double life for over a decade. I’m not proud. I’m ashamed, confused, and deeply sad.

She lives near my work. I’ll probably see her again one day. I don’t know what I’ll say.

Maybe time is a healer. Maybe I need to finally figure out who I actually am. I just don’t know where to start.