WA State Divorce question

Location: 📍 Kitsap County, self represented

🛑 I have a DVPO against my husband of nearly 20 years, and he has been missing/unhoused/unemployed since early Jan 2025. 👧🏽 I have our 4 kids with zero help or support from him. 📚 I have been working very hard to get a divorce from him. I was able to find him briefly in March, living unhoused 45 miles from our home. 👮‍♀️ There were warrants for his arrest so when police were arresting him, I had my friend serve him with divorce, custody, and child support papers.

2️⃣months later when I went to file for a default divorce, he had filed some papers the day before. He didn’t oppose the divorce but says he wants half the house and he lied about his pension, saying he doesn’t have one 🤦🏼‍♀️ So my default motion was denied.

➡️He never had me served with those papers and he’s done nothing else. I requested a settlement conference and sent certified mail to the PO Box he used on the papers he filed in May. That certified mail was returned to me today by the post office saying he does not have a PO Box- which tells me he didn’t keep paying for the PO Box. So I now have no idea where he is, no way to send him mail, no way to serve him anything, and he also does not respond to phone or email. I know that I cannot do that without getting him in trouble, so others have tried to locate him and he’s not responding to literally anyone.

I’m wondering, at this point, can I request a default divorce again, showing evidence that he’s not participating in any way, because I have already been told that the settlement is useless if both parties don’t show up and I have no idea where he is, and I don’t even have a way to notify him of it. He has no friends, he has burned every bridge, and no one knows where he is.

If he does not show up to the settlement conference, I am aware that it will be a mandatory trial as next step. And yes, if he doesn’t show up to the trial, it is likely to go in my favor, however, if there is a way for me to skip waiting 2 to 3 months for the settlement conference and then waiting however long for the trial, I would like to expedite this as I have been working on the divorce for seven months and there’s no end in sight.

I cannot refinance our house, I cannot sell the house, I cannot move with the children, and I have bags and bags of his stuff, taking up space in this house and I’ve been advised I cannot get rid of those until the divorce decree says I can. So my abuser is holding me hostage and I don’t know what to do. I recently reached out to another 15 attorney’s offices and only one has space to take me and is requesting a $25,000 retainer because they have no way of knowing whether or not my ex will actually show up to the trial and will prepare as though he will (which is fair).

Kitsap County has nothing for DV survivors. Everything is full, no longer operating, or merely a 30 minute phone consult with an attorney, which has not told me anything I don’t already know.