coming clean (im posting this for myself)

I'm just going to start by saying that I severely have to change. The person I've become up until now has been spiraling in the wrong direction this whole time, blaming the path for taking me there. I've been justifying my actions based on my surroundings—something some might consider valid—but deep down, I’ve always been aware of the chaos I cause.

I’ve been playing the victim, fully aware of the pieces of my loved ones that break inside every time my insecurities get in the way. Justifying the horrible emotions I’ve caused my most precious people with the fact that I despise myself—it ends here.

I can’t bear to be like this anymore. I know that a series of unfortunate events have come my way in the past, yet instead of putting out the fire, I’ve spread it across the forest—just so I wouldn’t be the only tree burning.

I don’t want to drag people down into my void anymore.

I don’t deserve the loving people I have by my side. I’ve only managed to keep them there out of pure greed and manipulation. I have no right to justify my actions by explaining my reasons for them. Instead of moving forward and growing as a person, I’ve been indulging in self-destruction—consuming my own roots—devolving into a monster. A monster who knows it’s a monster but still isn’t in full control of its actions.

Who am I kidding? It’s all my fault.

Every person I’ve come to love has suffered because of me. Many of the bullets I’ve fired were carefully aimed so they wouldn’t come back to me. But this time, they all came back like boomerangs.

I don’t deserve to have anyone standing behind me, and yet I do—I have such loving and considerate friends and family. And that only deepens the shame I carry.

This isn’t a cry for help or attention. It’s a pact I’ve made with myself: If I keep hurting the people around me because of my pain, then I don’t have the right to be here.

Yes, I’m smart—but that’s also part of the downfall. I’ve become too cocky, too selfish, to see the chaos I’m causing around me. It’s always me me me—“Why me?” “Poor me.” “How could this have happened to me?”

But I’m the one repelling that pain onto the people I love.

I know I’m a burden—not because I share my pain, but because I don’t. I keep it all to myself until I can't bear the weight anymore, and then I toss it recklessly onto others instead of letting them help me carry it. Instead of working through the weight with them, I’ve just let it crush me—and hurt them in the process.