Dumb rambling

I don't know what else is there for me. I have clinical depression and my meds don't seem to help anymore,, the new ones anyway. Summer has always been the worst time of the year for me - not having anything to occupy my thoughts most of the time just lets the depression, suicidal thoughts and self-mutilation urges run wild all day everyday, which is exhausting. Despite having been on meds for years and having pretty nasty self-harm scars, I feel like not being hospitalised for the attempt I had or having scars on my arms specifically (theyre mostly on the upper parts of my thighs, whatever boxers cover up) makes my diagnosed mental illness somehow fake. Logically I know it doesn't and it's such a stupid mindset to have, but I've just been spiraling and I think I really will try to kill myself again. I'm too scared of having the police called on me if I call a hotline and I'm not sure what to do. I might just relapse on cutting again to relieve at least some of the pain, the urges are the worst they have been in a good while, but that'll just drive me to attempting sooner. Really can't win, huh.