Why does she stay when I push her away?

To give some context, I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for over a year. We haven’t met yet and won’t be able to for another two years, until she finishes her govt. exams for which she is preparing from home. We share the same faith, but her family is very strict, so our relationship is a secret. There’s also a notable age gap. We’re at different stages of our lives; she’s studying while I’m working.

I love her so much, but this distance is really hard. I wish I could see her in person, but I just can’t right now.

She’s the sweetest person I’ve ever known, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We’re on the same page about almost everything important.

The problem is I get upset over small things she says. I snap at her, and it hurts her deeply. I try to change, but I keep failing. She loves me just as much and only asks that I wait for her to finish her exams so she can talk to her parents about us.

I will wait for her, but my parents are pressuring me to get married now, which I don’t want. I really do love her, but I don’t understand why I end up hurting her so often. We’re both serious and loyal, no, I’m not delusional. Trust me on that.

I can’t figure out why she still wants me. She says she sees her father in me, but I’m not sure whether that’s good or bad. Her relationship with her dad isn’t great, and she’s looking for the kind of connection she never had with him. She listens to me, and I would never wish her any harm.

I even tried to break up with her when she relapsed into self-harm, a boundary I’d clearly stated was a deal breaker. Despite that, she convinced me to come back, and I always do.

I’m sorry if I’m rambling. I just don’t know why she still wants to be with me. I usually don’t seek advice or let other opinions affect my relationship, but I’d really like to know, what would you do in my situation?

We still haven’t met in person, yet we love each other like we’ve been married for years. The honeymoon period was long over but I’m not looking for new sparks, I just want to meet her and continue this relationship. But I can’t meet her right now even though she wants the same, because of her current situation. I keep pushing her away, yet I can’t live without talking to her.

What is happening? Am I a fool? A loser? I know being in a LDR is unimaginable for some people, but we are just chugging along with our shit we have to do in life and I'm very sure I want her only and no one else and hoping things will be alright and we will be together one day 🥺

Sorry if this post is all over the place. Any insight or advice would mean a lot.