Don’t know what to think or how to feel about my father

Things are complicated and I don’t know what to think of my father.

My parents used to argue a lot when I was a kid, there was a lot of everyday bickering and they would typically have a huge fight about once a year. I don’t remember the details of how things started or anything, but typically my father would get drunk then phone home, they would argue on the phone and my mom would pack up and leave with me(I think once we stayed at a hotel and the other time we just went home because he didn’t come home I think). The arguing sort of stopped as I got older, at age 12 me and my mom left our home country for me to study in another country. Later my mom told me that this decision to leave is partially because she didn’t want to live that sort of life anymore, arguing all day.

I visit home during the summer for the past three years, I find spending time with my father especially difficult as I don’t know what to think of him. His behavior is certainly not ideal and I don’t feel comfortable around him. I don’t know whether he has npd, this idea that he might be one popped up when I was 12, I was sort of interested in psychology and my mother was too, we listened to this podcast(or something similar) on cluster b personality disorder(I think, it did talk about it npd), and we found that a lot of the symptoms matched with my dad. I don’t know if it is right for me to think of him as one, since I don’t have any diagnosis of him having it. I don’t know what to think of him, negatively or positively. I don’t know if I am right about these things or not, I don’t want to feel like I’m crazy or biased for seeing him negatively.

I’m going to list a few things that either I felt uncomfortable with, or raised concerns for me. I don’t really trust my memories but I’ll describe them as how I remembered them.

First year(2023): Sometimes he would call me when he was drunk, also a lot of calls were lectures I didn’t need. (Either topics that he wasn’t an expert on or things I already made up my mind on) I used to say what I actually thought of what he said, what I disagreed about his opinions.

He said something among the lines of “it didn’t do much damage at the end of the day didn’t it?” I’m not sure how well I remember it, but the gist of it is when the topic of the past was brought up, he said that about what he had done. This was 2 years ago.

He said that my mom had brainwashed me once each year, he’s probably implying that my bad image of him is my mom’s doing. He hasn’t said it yet this year, but I feel like it’s not far fetched that it might happen.

He always sort of had this shit eating grin when I was talking about something serious. It really pissed me off because I felt like it devalued whatever I was saying. I don’t know any other word to describe it, a grin is probably the most accurate description.

I got mad at him and we had a fight, it was my first time returning home in a long time and it really stressed me out especially with him. I felt like only during that was he at least a little bit honest. After that point he improved a lot, it was easier to be around him but I still don’t feel comfortable. I also don’t understand what instigated this change, does he actually understand why his behavior made me upset or is he just doing this so that I’ll see him favorably?

He stopped grinning like an idiot, he stopped calling me when he’s drunk, and overall he was easier to be around. These are improvements and I guess they gave me a bit of hope.

Second year(2024):

I noticed It was easier to deal with him, he was a lot calmer. I was really impressed with these changes but I should’ve realized that partially it was because I spend less time with him.

I visited his office with him and we talked a bit, I asked him about his job and this was the only time I think I genuinely saw him, he wasn’t particularly trying the impress me, he talked normally about some of the things he does and things related to his job or what he did in the past. Seeing this I thought maybe this is a good sign. I wanted to say something nice and I did. I’m not sure if he teared up or not as he himself said that he didn’t cry and brushed it off. I genuinely don’t know if he teared up or not, I didn’t sit in front of him. I don’t remember what but the topic of he might be a narcissist was brought up, he said a few things, he said maybe a little but ultimately denied thinking himself having it. He also said something among the lines of you’re not a doctor and you can diagnose it?(in that tone), when I got annoyed with some of the things he said he also implied I was acting like my mom(I think). He probably said something about my mom, is probably what made me angry.

Later that night I realized it was useless to get him to change or understand anything. And him saying these things about my mom really made me worried about if my mom was lying or being dishonest. I cried that night at the thought of being alone if that were true.

Maybe I did something wrong him, saying things like that. Bringing up the narcissist thing. Maybe it was wrong for me to think of him that way, but it is hard not to, seeing everything else.

Third year(2025, this year):

I’m currently on this trip, and things are ok. I avoided any confrontations and avoided saying anything that would directly go against him. A lot of his lectures I sat through by nodding or saying yes, basically acting like a yes man.

Occasionally when I do say something or ask for something, not always but sometimes he would do that grin again or laugh(I don’t know if I should deem it as a laugh or grin), I don’t know how to interpret it other than a mocking tone. Because I don’t feel particularly good about the grin or laugh.

This probably applies to the past years as well, dude cannot go a day without drinking. When we do have dinner, he drinks 4 beers, when we don’t have dinner together, he goes out to drink with clients. When we visited my grandparents, he would come home to have some beers in his office(I think, that’s what he said) he is particularly intolerable when he is drunk, he say things that I don’t want to hear and he starts acting like the person that I don’t like.

He haven’t said anything particularly offending, probably because I didn’t butt heads with him.

He often tells places to go or places to visit or maybe go somewhere, I guess I appreciate him telling me, but he repeated brought up the idea of going somewhere else and I declined every time. He was pushy and I didn’t like it. At least he’s not doing it now.

Some thoughts I have been having is that what am I going to do, especially in the future when I might be in a relationship, which might not be hetero. I don’t imagine he would be approving of it. But then I think of am I thinking of him too negatively? Or is it true that he would most definitely and most likely not be approving of it.

For this post I avoided giving out opinions of others and the opinions of my mother.

I’m looking for answers to these questions, if there’re anything you need me to clarify let me know

What do you think of him? Does he sound narcissistic according to what I had described?

What should I do? How do I keep going and what am I going to do in the future? Especially regarding my own life in relationships to his.