Will there be anger?

There is so much I already know:

      grief, missing her, this person who used to be a part of my life, whose hugs kept me warm, whose shoulder I would touch to help fall asleep at night;

      fear, starting out all over again, no money saved to rent, dependent on others' charity, fortunate for a steady job and yet now without a home;

      sadness, swept up in memories of her smile and laughter and touch, knowing that they are only memories now, knowing that her ear is turned away;

      gratitude, forever thankful for friends new and old coming forward to lend an ear, a hand, a place where our once, now my, pets and I could stay.

 

There is so much that I don't know, but one stands above all in this moment:

 

      "Will there be anger?"

 

No kids,

no affairs,

      just miscommunications

      and mistakes

      and codependency

      and the realization that we were always too different,

            even after over a decade of being together,

with one of us keeping our apartment and the other leaving,

one of us still paying for the other because only one of us worked for so long.

 

      Will there be anger?

 

My age discourages me, but I've seen on this sub:

"You can be bitter or you can be better, but you can only choose one."

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.”

and others that have been so eloquent in their declarations

that this is not the end,

but a new beginning.

 

But the question still haunts me:

 

      Will there be anger?

 

I'm so tired of being angry.

I'm so tired of fearing that I would become my father.

I'm so tired of feeling like I am wrong every day,

      or I am a monster

            (though she never called me that)

      or being told it's all in my head when I could never remember things that hurt,

      or being told I was selfish when I could never remember other things.

 

So please.

Please tell me if there will be anger

because unless it can spin words into coin and cat food

      unless it can turn feelings into four walls and a place to sleep

      unless it can turn all my mistakes into rice and beans and cheap groceries

I cannot fit another thing

into my heart

right now.