I feel lost. This will be a long one..

For starters I (M50ish) have a long history of depression and anxiety. I have been getting help and treatment for a little over 10 years. This is my 3rd divorce.

First marriage,5 years married. Started with her having affairs less than a year after being married, shortly after having our daughter. Then came the addiction followed with manic depression. I stayed with her for five years trying to help her. She was told that with the medications she was taking, she should not get pregnant. So I got "fixed', not that we had much of a sex life by then. It got to the point where I was considered suicide before I finally decided I had enough and was done with her. By then I had to file for bankruptcy because of trying to pay for her to get help and rehab she never would finish. Fought for custody of our daughter and lost. Was told by the judge, that a single father had no place raising a young child.

Second marriage,5 years married. About a year after the divorce I became friends with someone at work and later started dating. I know, I broke the "you don't eat where you sleep" rule. We dated for just under a year and moved in together. By then we both had different jobs in different cities. We lived in between so we could keep seeing each other. She got along well with my daughter, still trying to get custody of her. After a couple of years we got married. She started talking about having a baby,so we would be a whole family. She knew for the years before that I'd had a vasectomy. My 1st ex was continuing to make my life miserable, talking bad about me to our daughter and making it difficult for my visitations. Eventually she said she was tired of my ex and had been talking to someone online and the phone, while I worked nights, and decided she was moving out of state and in with him. Yes,I was angry. She left me with a house and bills I had to figure out how to pay for and promises of I'll send you some money to help.

Shortly after that both of my parents passed within a year of each other. What money I got, I put into my house. I still hoped that I could get custody of my daughter.

This marriage. Living together and married total of 15 years. We met online and started dating on my nights off from work. She and her son lived with her mother. She had left his father because of his problems with addiction. I could understand that because of my first ex. She and her son moved in later on. She got along great with my daughter, was like the mother she deserved. I loved her even more because of that. Her son's father still had visitation and I didn't try and force my presence on him. Time passed, she started college and I got a better job that wasn't working nights. We had talked about getting married but neither of us forced it. We finally decided on a small wedding,just her mother and son and my daughter and her fiancee. I've never been a "I'm going on a vacation" person, I don't like crowds and loud noises. She had gone on weekend trips and a cruise with her friends. I was glad she was happy. We could afford for her to do the things she said she missed from being younger when she had her son. We started taking trips together,with some difficulties on my side. The whole crowd and noises made it difficult but I loved seeing her smile and having fun. I'd been getting help with my depression and anxiety and trying to be better. I don't think the depression had ever gone away, but I was ok with that because she was happy. Several years ago she told me that she didn't think of being intimate with me. We talked about it, I didn't push back. We both kinda figured it was early hormonal changes, like her mother had. Occasionally I would ask, sometimes she said ok, most of the time it was "I'm not feeling it". So i quit asking. Then it started to be no affection, no kisses and no touching me. Which has not helped my depression and anxiety. Then she just wanted to do vacations with her friends or her son,who still lives with us "M26". We started seeing a marriage counselor about a year ago. About a month ago she told me I had until the end of the year to get my depression and anxiety in check or she was leaving. Two weeks ago on Friday she told me they were moving out the next Monday. I spent the weekend apologizing and in guilt. Sunday night she told me that she had been planning this for a while, but didn't want me angry. After I had already signed over their cars to her. Then told me she wanted a divorce. Not time. Not space. Just free. I don't have many friends, and don't want to be a problem with my daughter and her family. But I am crushed. I never told her no to anything she asked for. I never told her that she had to anything she didn't want. She blames me for them having to move out,I never told her to. She said I didn't love her enough, but she wouldn't say I love you to me. I hurt and she said "she doesn't care". The highlight of the last 2 weeks was seeing my therapist. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone it hurts. I had to explain to my daughter that I wouldn't hurt myself, her mother committed suicide 6 years ago. That i wouldn't do that to her too. But I still think about it, but I know I can't. After the last few years of feeling unloved and unwanted,you would think it would be easier knowing the truth. She said she pushed me away purpose. Why didn't she just tell me years ago when she decided? Why do this to someone you say you loved? What do I do next? I feel like something broken that she has thrown away and that nobody would want. I still hope she will be happy. I don't hate her, even after she finally told me the truth. But I am lost and don't know where to look.

I'm sorry this is so long. I know I've got a lot of scars. Thank you.