i think im alone on this one

i (18f) am so extremely unsure of everything . its hard to even describe . some days i want to be a man and some days i dont . some days i think i am a lesbian and some days i dont . i feel like maybe i am polyamorous and sometimes i dont . what makes all of this so extremely difficult is that i have a boyfriend (19m) and i do truly love him . but he feels like too much and not enough at the same time . i feel like im living some sort of lie no matter what i do . i have experimented with different identities and whatnot and nothing ever feels right . my boyfriend is strictly monogamous but i dont think i am ? i have had a habit of being unfaithful in every relationship ive been in , and i feel like a horrible person because of it . its not that i dont deeply love the people i have dated , its that i feel i am capable of loving more than just one person . we have only been dating three months and i am already overwhelmed . he's talking about marriage , and being forever , and im just kind of along for the ride .

my gender has always been something i've struggled with . ive always had fantasies of waking up and having been magically transformed into a man in my sleep . i dont think i want to transition but i do think i wouldnt have these thoughts if i had been born male . i love being a woman , i love my feminine qualities , but i was born with an extremely androgynous face , and it just confuses me no matter what i do .

i know that i like girls , i always have liked girls , but as im getting older im starting to question everything . i am attracted to men , i think ? im attracted to a mans face and body but specifically the male genitalia does absolutely nothing for me and never has . i always thought that was normal until recently . and my sex life also leaves something to be desired , in a perfect world nobody even touches me i just please the other participant .

none of this really makes sense and i apologize for that , im truly just word vomiting . i just need to know if im alone or if anyone else knows what im feeling .