story of relief

This is my first post in this sub-category.

Hi everyone. I'm sharing my story in case anyone has any advice or can relate... I'm MTF with a pause transition.

I clearly remember that when I was 15, I was diagnosed with dysphoria (that was because my mother found me dressed as a woman), but the psychologist never told me what it was. So I grew up not understanding what was really happening to me. At 20, I started researching because the anguish of not knowing what or who I was became unbearable. I spent 3 years researching gender dysphoria and understood what was happening to me. After that, it took me 7 more years to face things. Once again, living without being myself became unbearable. I sought psychological help again, almost 2 years ago (November 2023), and although the psychologist I saw invalidated my reason for my gender expression being masculine, at least she helped me understand who I was and what I was.

After that, I began to come out with immeasurable fear, because although my mother and family knew I was different, they didn't know what was happening to me either. At first, some friends came to me, and everything was fine. After that, I mustered up my courage and talked to my mother. I took her for walks and waited for her to be completely relaxed. She finally understood what was happening to me and accepted me, and from then on, the rest was easy. In the following months, I told the rest of my friends and family, even at work. After a few months of therapy, I went to a trans association in my city. There, I asked for help to understand things less and start HRT.

In April 2024, I got tested and started HRT. The excitement and desire to be who I was were overwhelming, to the point that I no longer cared about telling everyone I was trans.

June arrived, and I joined a group for adult trans women (30+), and everything seemed to be going well in this new stage of my life. Even with doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, a girl I met at the transgender association recommended her psychologist (also trans) to me, but everything was still going well. Therapy began to bear fruit, but it was there that I met her. Let's call her Julieta (June 2024) and respect her identity.

When I met Julieta, I was just looking for what I'd never had before: a friend with whom I could also be a woman, both of us, enjoy our femininity. But the opposite happened. Although the friendship grew and everything was going well, there were things that didn't add up and seemed more like relationship issues. She underwent facial feminization and didn't like the results, so she sued the doctor who treated her and also fell into depression. When I met her, I began to encourage her and help her socialize again. All so she would feel better. But when we dated, it was arguments and arguments. I thought it was due to depression. It took me more than half a year to realize that she was really like that (a narcissist). Although I was always aware of the red flags, it was out of compassion and support that I put up with the abuse, insults, triangulations, gaslighting, and public and private degradation. She seemed to enjoy it.

Sometimes I feel like she took advantage of me when I told her the psychologist told me I had internalized dysphoria (rejection/shame toward my own identity) because I didn't feel any real support from her. To the point that I left the group and also abandoned the transition. Shortly after, she told me to cut my hair because it didn't look good on me, and that why did I have long hair if I wasn't going to transition? In November 2024, I decided to cut it and felt enthusiastic. I wanted a new opportunity to just be a man. Now at 31, what does it matter? At the beginning of November, she was kicked out of her house (her mother was fed up with the verbal and physical abuse from Julieta). I offered her a place in my apartment, and we roomed together for two months. I admit we're already in love, and in January, I confessed. Although we seemed to want the same thing, she simply rejected me. But the abuse never went away.

A friend shared a book with me that talks about narcissism, and my suspicions came true. Well, I understand that she's like this because she's a narcissist. Around the same time, she was diagnosed with grade 1 autism. And even when I lost my job, despite the depression I suffered for months, she was incapable of empathizing with me. She only gave bad advice and took everything lightly.

I returned to live with my mother and stopped living in my apartment, but the problems and abuse continued... I couldn't even tell her I wanted to resume my transition. On March 31, we went to the movies, and that was the final straw. The worst fight. All my feelings for her were gone. I don't think I've ever cried like that for someone. Still, out of compassion, I've let her live in my apartment. She doesn't have a job, and I honestly don't know how she'll make ends meet. I'll see her this week. I don't know how to tell her to pay rent or go somewhere else.

The idea is, once I decide to resume my transition, I no longer want her to be a part of my life...

Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions are appreciated. (My English isn't very good, so I'll use Google Translate to help a bit.)