N mom still controlling me as a adult

Hi I posted this text yesterday in a alt account and decided to delete incase my N mom saw it on my pc so im using my phone account to do so, all the events happened yesterday, and I feel a lot better today my friends came in with emotional support. The actual rant is down below this

I don’t know if my mom’s officially diagnosed, but she fits every trait of a narcissist. She has no empathy, needs to control everyone, constantly lies, gaslights, throws tantrums when her entitlement to someones time doesnt go her way, and plays the victim anytime someone sets a boundary. She invalidates everything I do and acts like she owns my life.

Today was my breaking point. I cried so hard in the shower my nose bled. I’m 25, It happened at the hair salon. All I wanted was a protective style. Something simple. Braids or twists so I could rock a puff for a few weeks. My hair’s big enough on its own to have a afro puff but i just wanted a protective style and to buy a low effort attachment.. The stylist asked me what I wanted, like she always does, and for once I answered confidently. But of course, my mom was there too, getting her hair done.

The second she heard me, she gave me this nasty glare. Then she damn near yelled “no” like I’m a child doing something wrong, in front of everyone. Just shut me down I'm even paying for the damn thing myself. I could feel the heat rising in my face, like I wasn’t even allowed to choose how my own damn hair looks. We argued in front of the stylist, and yeah, I ended up giving in. Not because she was right. Not because I changed my mind. But because I was tired. Embarrassed. I felt violated. She took something that should’ve been mine and made it about her control again. She didn’t stop there either. The rest of the day she kept saying crap like “You should’ve discussed it with me first” and “You can’t just make decisions like that.” Like excuse me, I’m 25. I’m grown. I don’t need permission to get my hair done how I want.

This is what I mean. She treats me like a puppet. And it’s not just control over my choices. She uses my old autism diagnosis against me constantly. Like all the damn time. A new doctor I chose recently took a fresh look at my symptoms and said I seem way more aligned with ADHD. I could have both. I mean, I’ve probably just adapted over time, but most of what I deal with matches ADHD way more.

The wild part? My doctor gave me a referral to get officially tested a whole year and a half ago. My mom’s been dodging it ever since. Making excuses. Probably because she doesn’t want me to have answers that don’t fit her narrative(she doesnt let me drive even tho i have a licenseand can very well drive). She wants me to believe I’m broken so I’ll stay under her thumb.

If I forget even one little thing she tells me to do, she’ll say crap like “That’s that tism” or just straight up “autism.” Like it’s a joke. Like I’m not capable of thinking for myself because of it. She treats it like a weapon, something to use against me. But even if the old diagnosis is correct, I’m clearly high-functioning. There’s nothing wrong with my ability to think, decide, or live my damn life. she always diminishes me as an adult woman by controlling my out fit she wants to see what time going to wear, did I feed my dog( I feed her on a set 3 times a day schedule I have phone alarms for this but shes trying to take away my responsibility and pretend I don't have any) did I shower yet, wash your hands before you do this( I'm studying to be a healthcare professional I wash my hands perfectly every time being clean is required), turn your fan off high(just something to control and fuss about and yell at me when I refuse to do so), to clean my room( I asked everyone in my friend group, my sister, even strangers if my rooms is clean just to make sure I just got low standards, everyone said my damn room is clean, you all can even look for your selves in my post history if you want to determine that because ei had to see if I wasn't crazy or is she just making me do a fools errand, I just occasionally don't make my bed up) she does this everyday and bombard me with questions about nay sort of responsibility and telling me how to do things as cleaning my dishes...that I've been doing on my for 7 years and cooking my own food that i buy... yet she still feels the need to comment on how I should eat occasionally and when that didn't work she controlled the times I can cook.

I’m studying to become a registered health information technologist and a medical coder( another thing to add she has now gotten mad at me putting my studies before her control and now is demanding me to do everything she tells me before I study/read/ or exercise). I wanted to be a nurse or even a doctor at one point, but of course, my mom shut that down too. She hit me with crap like “They require too much social interaction” even though I’ve got no problem with that. I’m more empathetic and better at communicating than she’ll ever be. She said I don’t like gross stuff. I never said that. Said I’m too forgetful. I’m not. I just tune out all the yelling and chaos and end up forgetting what she tacked onto her rants. She even said that kind of career was too much work and that I should get something cozy and close to home. Basically saying I should live with her forever, even when I tell her I’m not going to. Like I’m her emotional support animal or something.

I was 11 when I got diagnosed. I was just a kid who loved to talk about my interests and felt anxious with eye contact. But looking back, I think I was just scared. Any time I made a mistake or didn’t understand something, I got yelled at, if i got “smart” aka defend my talking point i got hit with a belt. That wrecked my confidence and gave me anxiety. Anyone would feel that way in that environment.

She even called my sister today saying, “You must’ve gotten in her head” and she often says things that try and make me think my sister hates me but me and sis tlaks it out and sicover all the lies she tries to tell both of us(my sister is around 12 years older than me btw) just because I pushed back. Like I couldn’t have made that decision on my own. It’s always someone else’s fault when I try to grow. She acts like I’m a brainwashed puppet just because I finally stopped rolling over and started speaking up What breaks me is knowing I had more freedom at 12 than I do now.

I’m studying constantly to build a future, but the pressure is insane. I feel like I have to succeed or I’ll never escape. Failure isn’t an option, because if I stay here, I lose. I think I’m depressed. I’ve been trying to act strong for the last year and a half to get through school and earn my RHIT. I might move in with my sister eventually, but staying here is cheaper. I just don’t know how much longer I can take it. I’m tired. I’m drained. And I just needed someone to hear me today. Thanks for reading.