I dont know what to do.

I'm 28 years old. I started HRT 17 months ago. I don’t pass, and I feel like I never will. It doesn’t even feel like my transition has truly started in any meaningful way. The effects of estrogen have been underwhelming for me. Yes, I look different, but all it’s done is make my body resemble that of a teenager. It hasn’t really feminized me.

I never grew breasts. My waist-to-hip ratio hasn’t changed at all. I’m not underweight or overweight. My BMI is 23. But I just look androgynous and strange. Maybe my face could be passable after FFS, but that’s the only thing that might help. My hair is a mess. My M-shaped hairline makes passing feel impossible, and HRT did nothing to improve it. I don’t even know what I can do at this point. I feel so defeated.

Every day, I obsess over my appearance. Every day, I feel dysphoric and awful. I think I could be okay if it weren’t for this pain I go through daily. The dysphoria never left. And I do think I have real reasons to feel dysphoric about my appearance. Nothing makes me happy i have good days but they are so rare that they feel like exception rather than something real. Deep inside i know what i need, i know that only way for me to be normal well adjusted adult is to complete this task but i simply cant. I dont even have energy anymore to put effort in anything.

No one in my family, or really anyone else, acknowledges me as a woman. I even struggle to acknowledge myself that way. But I can’t be a man either. I tried so hard before transitioning. It never worked for me. I feel like nothing.

I feel like I got stuck in the early stages of transition and never progressed beyond that. That feeling makes me cry every day. I cry over failed hopes, over a future that never happened, and over all the time I wasted trying to figure myself out. And even though I did eventually figure it out, I’m stuck.

Could I accept this? Is there anything to accept? It feels like there’s no future, nothing ahead on this road.