i cant be at school without drinking or carrying a knife on me

Im not a socially anxious person generally but i dont really have friends at school and i dont talk to anyone not because im scared to but because i gen dont want to. Every single day i carry one knife in my pocket and one in my bag and i hold the one i keep in my pocket constantly especially when i feel people watching me or if i think someone might do something to me. Sometimes when i feel particularly bad i go to a bathroom stall and i take a shot because i feel like if i dont i wont be able to handle being around people. i feel really guilty about it and it feels wrong but i cant do anything about it because without them i cant function.