over a year sober and i've given up

in the last year, i've lost all of the people important to me. my (now ex) boyfriend, both my best friends since middle school, my entire irl friend circle plus all my friends from college, and all my long time friends since high school. and now i'm about to lose my entire circle of online friends plus one of the only irl friends i still have. i don't know what the fuck to do. i'm on thin ice with my family, too, and i'm so fucking lost.

i feel like the only thing i can turn to is DPH. life feels completely meaningless and i can't do it alone. i feel like i lost all my loved ones because they can't handle what i'm like sober and they can't bare to witness how difficult it is for me to stay sober while being severely mentally ill. i feel like i need to go back to using DPH so people will like me again.

i'll probably end up on the streets because my mother said she'd kick me out if i relapsed but i don't even think i give a shit anymore. my life is completely worthless and i don't mean anything to anybody. i deserve to die homeless on the streets with the only thing there for me being drugs.