How to safely integrate BPD mom back into life

Hi everyone, I went VLC with my mom, almost no contact, for the past maybe 1.5-2 years. It’s been a rough ride from realizing I was pretty enmeshed to grieving and dealing with nightmares about her and deep depression. It’s been rough, but I’m also proud of myself. Like damn, I got through this like a champ 🤣

Anyways, I explained to her why I was going no contact and of course she doesn’t get it no matter how many times I explain. I finally accepted that and moved on. I’ve been met with guilt trips from family members, the classic “you only have one mom” and “okay but remember she’s your mother” and of course my fucking idiot father feeding information to her that I didn’t want her to know (I’m living with his side of family rn). I’ve also managed to stop letting that get to me, and I manage other people’s reactions pretty well now (I know I’m making the best choices for myself and they don’t have to agree with me).

I feel fairly healed, obviously not perfect, but one of the difficult things about all this is not seeing family members and family friends on my mom’s side of the family as much. I miss my dogs and cats too. I also just don’t desire to cut her off fully, I just want to be able to manage the relationship the way I see fit. What I wish for/if everything was on my terms, is we would have a surface level relationship where we are friendly to each other and see each other on holidays and big events, which I’ve pretty much been doing. I’d like to be able to come home sometimes to see my pets and siblings. Idk how to make this work. What are some tips for setting boundaries with her and talking to her in a way that feels comfortable to me? How do I know if the information is vulnerable/personal or if it’s safe to give her (I’ve always been a pretty open person with anyone, so I don’t really know HOW to filter my thoughts/feelings). What do I say when she asks why we’re not close? It’s the confrontation. I need to learn how to handle that, so that I can set this relationship on my own terms without internalizing what she says/does/how she reacts. Because I already know she’s going to act like a nut over nothing, so how do I not let it get to me?