Genuinely Angry I Have To Breathe

I just genuinely am angry that I am required to breathe. I want to stop so bad right now. I can't even get out of my car. I just stare at the ceiling and wonder why I even bother living because I always end up here. No less than every few months. Where I just sit. And stare. And think.

What is the point? I'll never be truly happy. I'm a sex addict. I'm married (never cheated, btw). I'm in the military. I'm in a foreign country. My wife is on holiday with one of her friends. I decided to drive to the other side of the island and see something new. Instead all I saw were reasons to stop living. I have no place in this world. I want to cry so bad, but I can't. I can't be weak. I can't tell my mother why I'm in a bad mood and don't want to return her missed calls. It's because I would rather be dead. I'll never beat this addiction. I'll never be a good husband. I'll never be a father. I'll never be enough for anyone, or any job.

I'll be enough for a coffin at least. Maybe the newspaper will find more meaning in my life, if they even bother to write about me. Suicide happens all the time in the military. My coworkers will get over it. My wife, she'll just get the life insurance money and she'll be alright. My family will move on. Probably. I'm so mad I can't own a gun in this country and end it already. I just want it quick, painless, and to finally fucking stop. I'm obviously not good enough for this world.

All I think about is how I'm not touched enough by my wife, how I fuck up at work constantly (at least it feels like it) and the work I do goes unnoticed (never been recognised, ever), and how my NCOIC's, first sergeants, and commanders will preach about mental health. But you know what? What does it matter if I'm already 6ft under some dirt.

I'm alone. In my car because I can't get out. In the parking lot of a hotel across the country from my home and my base. And all I want is to just fucking stop. But alas, I'll wake up tomorrow and probably be fine. Idk. I have severe ADHD that causes these extremely intense lows and highs. I don't even bother worrying if I'll actually take the sewer slide. Surely I won't, right? Idk. But it's okay, I'm a man, who's alone, that automatically means I'm the lowest society has to offer.

I don't hear "thank you for your help" at work, or from my friends. I don't hear "you're so hot" from my wife. I wake up, look myself in the mirror, and all I see is a hollow shell. It might look okay on the outside but there's nothing left on the inside. Am I a selfish piece of shit? Probably. I'll drink to that I guess. It's just such a shame that I can't end it quickly and painlessly. I watched a friend die. I've lost two children. But no one cares. I don't get fucked or touched by my wife. I can't even get fulfillment at work.

Instead I get fulfillment by locking myself away from the world, and orgasming. That's the only rush of endorphins I get. The rest? Utter and complete shit. I just don't care anymore. God, please, if you're listening, don't let me wake up tomorrow. Cheers.