It is so easy, yet so difficult.

I am a 16 year old boy. think i just wanna try to explain everything going on with me. As a child, I was abused by my older brother, not sexually, but physically, would beat me up, hurt me, yell at me, and just scared me so bad. Whenever i tried to tell my parents. He would say that if I snitched, he would hurt me. While all that was happening. I was being abused by my teachers at school aswell. They would hit me, say rude things. And it was so difficult. I even had red marks on my back, i showed them to my mother. She dismissed it.

At the age of 8-9. I was sexually assaulted by my uncle, he is only 5 years older, and he is my mothers youngest brother. He made me touch him, and he did things to my body. Twice. And both of them in the bed next to where my family was asleep. I couldn't tell anyone. He said that he would tell everyone that I did it. And that I was the bad person here. And i believed that it was my fault too and that i shouldn't tell anyone else.

Lockdown.

Sitting at home, not talking to anyone. And becoming so socially anxious and scared of just even going out. Feeling like everyone is only watching and judging me.

There was an instance where I went out to her something my mother had asked me for. I stood outside the store for an hour until it was finally empty to go inside. I was 14.

I am introverted. Nobody cares that I am introverted, i have no privacy, not wanting to go out is somehow feminine in my families mind.

I feel scared to even tell them about anything. I am terrified of my older brother still.

We have moves homes three times in the past 4 years. And i just feel so weird.

And I can't believe just now lonely i feel, i always was alone, but never truly felt loneliness. Now? I do, and it's too much. I have been feeling so depressed and suicidal for 3 years. But I can't. I tried self harm. It felt..nice. but it's not easy to do it discreetly when everyone is always around and you have no time for yourself, no privacy.

I right now, live in an apartment in the 48th floor. And there is literally a ledge right out of the window without any railing. I could jump out whenever I wanted. And I'm scared that I will, but I am also excited that maybe finally I'll have toe courage to kill myself.

And unlucky for myself, i can't help but hide my feelings, even when I want to tell someone. I just can't. I start acting all okay as if I was. But I know I'm not.

I don't know what to do. Talking to a professional? Impossible. My sister has depression 2 years ago, behind her back, my mother, father, brother made fun of the way she acted during the time she was on medication. She is fine now luckily. At least they helped her. I'm a boy, and 16. I'm too young to have depression and I'm a boy, i should suck it up.

If I went on single instances. I think i would just end up writing a book about my problems. Because everything is my problem now. And everything makes me angry.

What do I do? I don't want to be told that it'll just all magically be okay, because it's seemingly(is that even a real word) getting worse.