Traumatic grief, the worst special sauce

It feels like forever and yesterday. Some days I feel like the grief is just a quiet ache and then my brain goes "remember HOW he died?". Or the trauma goes quiet and I think about memories of us together and the grief just crushes me. And then there are days like today where I have progressive lenses on and can see both the horror of how he died and all the ways in which he is gone from my life and it breaks my heart. A horrible mixture of a soul deep NO and I miss you and I hate my life. I just want him back. 💔