M30 - Mental health slump everytime I visit my parents

Venting post - Male 30

(I apologise beforehand, my thoughts are not well strung and I'm just writing whatever is coming to my mind)

Everytime I visit my parents in my hometown, my mental health drops to a great degree. Most of the time I'm angry, have sore throat ready to cry out loud and yell at someone but I keep everything to myself. I feel I'm getting bitter and bitter over time.

Since I'm 30, my parents want me to get married now. Everywhere I visit some relatives, they keep asking the same question. But the basics are not in place for me to get married. Why do they think age is the only factor?

**Low financial soundness - we belong to lower middle class family and I didn't do well in terms of income until I chose MBA. After MBA from tier-1 college, my current salary is decent but I have a big education loan. Most of my income goes to service EMIs, send money to parents, rent and investments.

**House - though we have a home which my dad built in 90s, but it was done so haphazardly that nothing is in place even now. After 30 years, Even after renovating some portion, my dad didn't listen to anyone and ruined it all again. He wouldn't consult any architect or even listen to the mason. My dad admits he gets high BP/angry whenever someone talks back to him or questions him. Nothing can be called as "done" in my home. There are no bedrooms, every place is a common area. Imagine sitting on dining area and rain water comes at your feet from the stairs. Nothing was done with any plan despite having good area in sq feet.

He didn't install flush in the toilets, geyser setup, RO, because "konse governor aa rahe h ghar!!". There is no option for me to order RO or geyser and get it installed. Even if I wanted, he won't let me. Somehow after convincing, he agreed to install taps in toilets, he thinks it encourages water wastage. Before that, we had to fill the tumbler with water before going inside.

Recently I got TV and AC installed. Our old washing machine broke but I had to cancel automatic washing machine because there is no fixed tap available for installation. One of the two toilets is clogged since ages but he wouldn't repair it. There are 100 more things that I can count but thinking of all that makes me even angrier and sad. Even my father said one day "seeing others' houses makes him feel that our home is garbage, if he had the money he would raze it to the ground and rebuild it again".

Since a year, I've been sending 20-30k every month for my parents expenses thinking it will be used to better our home and their lives but everytime I visit, I come to know that all the money is sitting in savings account.

Now the question arises, which girl in her right mind would want to marry in this house. I couldn't bring anyone. Even in school, I would avoid bringing my school friends to my home at all costs. Everytime my parents show me the matrimonials, my blood boils. I stay silent whenever marriage topic is brought up.

I'm grateful for what upbringing my parents gave me despite having a hard time. My father was able to atleast provide a roof to us with his low income. I from very young age understood all this and never demanded anything from them. I don't take a single penny of help from my parents, and even if I have to, I immediately pay it back like any other loan.

But now if feel guilty for not being able to do better. How can I marry, how can I buy a car, how can I go on vacation, when even the toilet in my home cannot be repaired. What's the point of earning well.