I’ve spent over a decade chasing stand-up across countries. I just released my first special — here’s the story

I’ve wanted to be a stand-up comedian since I first tried it when it was on my bucket list.

At 18, I left Portugal and tried to move to America to make it happen. I didn’t have a visa, barely had a plan, and eventually I ran out of money and ended up living in a car.

I went back home. Then, still broke and very unsure of myself, I moved to London. I didn’t know anyone. I started doing open mics in the back of pubs to two people. Once, I did a gig to one person in the audience but the lights on stage were so strong I couldn't see him. When I finished my set, he wasn't there. I don't know for how long I performed to nobody. Wasn't my worst gig ever either.

I did that for years. Then I ran out of money again.

Back to Portugal. Again.

But I couldn’t let it go. So I went back to London. Tried again. Slowly worked my way up. And now — 9+ years after starting — I’ve just released my first full stand-up special.

It’s called What If. It’s free on YouTube. It’s about chasing this ridiculous dream. It’s about moving to new countries, being a world citizen who doesn’t quite fit anywhere, and being ridiculously optimistic when the world's telling you not. When everybody says, what if this doesn't work, I'd go what if it does?

Note: English isn't my native language. I perform in English but because weirdly, I feel more like myself in English than I ever have in Portuguese. Maybe it's because ever since I was a kid and couldn't handle my emotions I'd just speak english and that somehow made it easier to feel emotionally detached from them. Anyway, the special's funny.

The special is emotional, funny, impulsive, and personal — kind of like this post.

If any of that speaks to you, I hope you’ll give it a watch.

The special