I am a 30-year-old man and I am broken

Hello everyone! I am writing to vent, but also to seek advice at a time in my life that I might call “dark.” I am a 30-year-old man and for years I have suffered from depression, low self-esteem, and have never figured out what to do with my life.

I had a youth with ups and downs: my father was emotionally absent, I chose the wrong school, and during my adolescence I was bullied, as well as living a fairly lonely life. So I used to spend many days covering this pain, which was slowly growing inside me, with instant pleasures such as video games, etc. I was not proud of this life, but I always consoled myself with the fact that I would redeem myself in adult life.

Upon reaching high school graduation, at the suggestion of a priest friend (I am a Catholic) I studied philosophy to understand my purpose in life. However, this did not help and upon returning home I had to roll up my sleeves and start working to build a life for myself. I had alternating periods of work and unemployment. This, together with my insecurity about my future gave rise to the depression in me that I have been carrying for years now.

So I decided to start a new course of study to do journalism. With covid I lost my esteem toward this work and realized it was not for me. But I couldn't back out, by then I had started my studies and now I am still continuing since I have 3 exams left to finish. However I have the feeling that this degree will not serve me for my future, in fact in the country where I live, the future seems to shine less and less. Also I have never had a girlfriend. I do not consider myself ugly, but I have always wanted to find stability to have a girlfriend. A stability and security that never came. In many dark times my faith has always helped me, but now at 30 I feel a huge burden and can no longer reason rationally about my life. Depression, an uncertain future, work, and the will to build a family (which seems like a mirage given my financial and mental condition) only worsen my mental health and severely compromised will.

The more I try to find a way out, the more I feel sucked into the vortex of despair. Unfortunately, also because of my OCD, I cannot even make normal choices (except with some time and effort), let alone life choices. No one in my family knows about this situation, my parents are serene and my siblings also have their own lives. I'm okay with it because I don't want to give a burden and also because I want to face this darkness alone. However, there are times when I feel hopeless and would like to break away from everything and everyone, perhaps by going abroad. But I have no specialization, so I wouldn't know how to start. So my mind takes me back to where I started.

Tomorrow for example I have an exam to give, I tried to study in this month, but between part-time work and low motivation, I studied with a tired and depressed mind. Result? I can't remember 3/4 of the things. I already know that I won't pass the exam, although I will still give it, and this failure will accumulate along with the others. But that's okay.

I know my writing sounds victimistic, I don't want to be a victim, I want to be a man, in fact in the future I want to be a father, someone I can count on. But right now I am lost and broken inside. That's why I wanted to ask those who have gone through similar experiences if they can give me advice based on their own lives. Thank you all. And please don't judge me because I have already taken too much judgment in my life. Thank you all.