Feeling the strings around me / Astral-Projecting Projector

I had made a wish that I would someday be able to understand the universe, understand what it feels like to become a musical note, speak with the stars and travel through my dreams. I had always believed that there was magic in this world; although I was a scientist, I felt that science and magic were not unalike, and magic was just what had yet to be revealed by science.

It was about two years ago when I first began feeling ‘the strings.’ It was on a particular day, when I felt I was slouching in my chair, I tried to sit upright in the most correct posture possible. I sat like that, studying, for around 8 hours in that position, until I began feeling a strange sensation. They were like threads, hundreds and thousands of strings constantly winding and unwinding within me. I was very scared at first, and I could feel things like gates opening and closing, energies gushing in and out of invisible channels in my body. With a jam, I felt a strong stab of sizzling electric energy flowing into my throat. Then the strings would wind and unwind again, then into my heart, with great pain. And then a thousand sizzling nerves firing in my head, almost like an insane electric spiderweb. I could see the world in a completely new light, the colors were brighter, the sounds were like music flowing into my ears, my thoughts were clear as ever.

At first, I felt spiritually enlightened, but went down the path of completely losing my personality and being so disturbed and distracted because there were hundreds of strings and threads around me that I could feel; I could not focus on reality. It was so disturbing because every time I thought or moved, I could feel strings moving along in a very particular part in my body. I went through so many difficulties, suffered immense physical and mental pain, and could not focus on anything for more than a year. The sensation of a spiderweb in my brain was horrible, almost macabre, and it felt like a tiny spider was moving around some part in my body all the time. I felt like ‘a puppet on a lonely string.’ The more I tried to manipulate the strings, or physically, my mind became a complete maze; I knew I would be diagnosed with a schizophrenia, but I didn’t want my mind to be controlled by chemicals, as much as I loved chemistry. It was difficult because I was just beginning my PhD at a top science institution, I was in my early twenties, and being a scientist, I felt my experience would be regarded as either madness or pseudoscience. I could not tell anyone about this, except for my parents (who respected me and trusted me that it was part a spiritual experience and I would eventually find myself back again). It was impossible to focus on classes and research because my body was in a state of chronic fatigue; I felt listless and could not focus, and I did not have the courage to share this with my peers. I also read much into neurology/physiology and tried to understand myself, but this was not simply psychosis, but there was clearly a ‘spiritual awakening’ aspect to the changes that had occurred, and I believed that I would learn to become to architect of my own mind. I had always had a strong connection to nature, to plants and animals and starts; I had made a wish that I would be able to understand the universe, and I had a strong desire to become a part of it, and perhaps that was why all this had happened.

I have been constantly trying to rediscover myself over the past two years, and through exercise and discipline, was able to recreate myself (though this is a continuous process); this was a process of constantly strengthening the strings, until they no longer felt like strings, but like bands, of a continuous flow of energy (although this is a whole new story altogether).

I tried to learn about how the nervous system could be related to different ‘chakras’ in ancient religion. Because I felt that the energy flow would sometimes go into my heart, into my third eye, and all that. I felt that the ancient people were wise, and this was not merely to be regarded as pseudoscience. Following that line of thought, I eventually found out about HD. I felt that this was legitimate, as I could correlate the gates/channels and sensations within my body (really a nervous system response, via interoception/proprioception) with what seems to be an image of a bodygraph. I have not had the time to study all the channels in depth, but I have always felt that the way in which the energy (or the strings and strands) flows within me was like a laser beam; and the chart revealed that I was a self-projected projector, which agreed almost perfectly with my sensations.

Since the spiritual/neurological experience, I have also been having astral projections, almost every day. I am still not sure whether astral projections can be classified as a type of ‘dream,’ but they are more intense and feel even more vivid than anything is in reality. What can be said is that it feels exactly like a projection: the strings and strands, the energy just whooshes out of the body, travels through outer space (or sometimes a tunnel) and ends up in a different plane. There is physical pain associated with it. I ended up in so many weird, fantastical, alien planes. The people (and animals) I met there also had their own invisible strings and strands, and I could connect my thoughts easily with them (though it is not apparent at all how to do so in reality). In dreams, each string and strand is connected to a different musical note, and when they unwind, they play the most beautiful and profound music. This depends on the string tension, and sometimes, each and every string (nerve) in the body is connected to a string of a piano surrounding me in a three-dimensional array. And as the strings unwind, they play music. It also seems like I am a completely different person in my dreams, my personality and the directions of strings are completely different, and I feel much more powerful (according to the Dreamchart, I am a generator in my dreams). I felt I was exploring a lot, visiting different planes of thought, and the projections, and have been trying to learn more about the world by improving my skills-and I liked to consider myself a dreamer because reality is so hard, but dreams mean so much to me (even nightmares feel like they are sort of a training ground for me). But I am conflicted as I recently learned that dreams are most about conditioning and don’t carry much significance, according to DreamRave.

I felt crazy, insane, and perhaps I finally have an inkling of who I am and have been trying to figure out myself. I am still not sure about what is going on with me. I initially didn’t have the courage to share all this with anyone or online, but I just wanted to let it out somewhere. I still have so much about myself that I have to figure out, and I sometimes feel lost and uncertain, and sometimes feel angry at the universe (why are we all designed to be a certain way, and why is life painful? Why do lions have to eat zebras? why do humans have to suffer from their own ignorance that are built into them?) I am hoping to see if anyone would be interested in chatting about any of these topics, or have recommendations on whether it is worth getting a professional reading (despite the price) in my situation. I will also be posting my bodygraph and the dream chart in the comments.