I(23F) feel like a mean person for asking my grieving bestfriend/lover(24M) why he’s repeating himself and for being hurt when he doesn’t talk to me when he’s upset with me.

(Sorry for the long paragraphs)

Several similar things to this have happened in the past and especially recently but this scenario is stumping me. So a few days ago we were talking on call about a new potential guy friend we all met online 4 days ago. The new guy basically said something to me that was sort of odd. (I had made a stupid obvious joke that I love to steal and new guy told me that it’s a red flag, and that it’s weird to say that and kept doubling down on it being an odd thing to say.)

So after he left, my bestfriend/Lover (we have a confusing relationship I’m just going to call him “BL”), and a few of my other friends were talking about how that moment was really awkward and we didn’t understand why the new guy would say that to me. I told my other friend that this is a great example of the weird encounters I have with dudes sometimes. And in response my BL said that he doesn’t think he meant it in a weird way and that doubling down was weird but he thinks it’s just a joke that didnt land well.

And I replied that “I get what you’re saying but I’m just saying that regardless of if anyone thinks it’s just a joke, I think this is a good example of a weird moment with a dude”. And then he repeated that same view point he had on it again. And then I said again that “I’m just saying it’s good example” And I asked him why he keeps saying this. And then he said his same exact view point again, and then said it again several times within the same turn of talking. (Also he has adhd so I think that’s why he repeats a lot within the same turn of talking which is fine I don’t have a problem with that)

So I made a disgruntled noise because I wanted to ask him why he keeps repeating himself but I was holding myself back from interrupting. Then he said that I should just talk because it sounds like I’m getting frustrated. And I then asked him “why are you repeating what you’re saying?, I understood by the second time you said it”. And he said that I asked him what he meant. So I said “no that’s not what I asked, I’m asking why are you repeating what you’re saying”. Then he said he doesn’t want to talk anymore but I can talk(Then he muted). So I explained that I was asking why he’s repeating because I’m trying to figure out where the disconnect is. Then he stayed muted for 20min , and then left the call soon after.

So I texted him asking if he was ok, and he said “no, the conversation was frustrating so I’m done talking for tonight”, and he “didn’t appreciate being told he’s just repeating himself”, and that he “didn’t appreciate that you asked our friends if what you said was mean, as if their opinion mattered on how I felt”.( I honestly feel pretty sad and in the dark when he does the leaving and not talking thing because a lot of the times I don’t realize what I said was mean, so I asked our friends in call if it was mean to ask what I asked because my BL didn’t say anything about it before he muted)

So I replied ok, and I hope he feels better, and then 20 minutes later I said that “I want to talk about this tomorrow” but he told me he didn’t want to. So I honestly just gave up and said “that’s fine, I will just say my thoughts”. Then he replied that right now he doesn’t feel like “saying his thoughts/opinions anymore” and I said that’s fine, it’s on him if he’s doesn’t want to. Then he said he doesn’t get why I added that part in, but quickly messaged “nvm I’m good” and stopped replying and I’m assuming went to sleep.

At that point I just decided to say my thoughts at that moment. In short I basically replied that I want a different communication style and I don’t think ours align, but I still like hanging out with him so I’m probably not going to talk as much or share my opinion either to avoid this from continuing to happen. (There’s been times where we hang out and kind of have a “parallel play” thing going where we’re still having a good time but not talking much so I pictured us doing that and it working out better instead, when I said that.) I also said sorry for asking about the repeating and clarified again that I was asking him why, and I said that I think it’s ok to ask a friend if I said something mean.

I’m honestly worried that I’m being mean, and not empathetic. I’ve been a pretty black and white thinker my whole life, and I don’t really say things with hidden meaning, and I’m blunt a lot, so I run into a lot of scenarios with him where he says I said something that I never said and then he explains to me that what I said was actually mean and I should just be saying sorry. Which is fine I just don’t like that he often leaves and doesn’t talk to me when that happens, he will talk to me the next day though about other things. I would say 90% of the time it doesn’t feel like he wants to talk about an issue we’re having when I want to talk about it.

Also his dad recently passed away 3 weeks ago, so I’m trying to be understanding and not hurt about how things affect me but I find it difficult because I know he has been like this for the past 3 years I’ve known him. So I don’t really feel content already and I get stressed out when I don’t communicate when something hurt me. I’m also not well versed on how to go about still expressing when something hurts my feelings to someone who’s grieving and I just feel mean for being bothered by anything now. Especially because he tells me I’m not being empathetic when I do bring something up now.

I honestly would like some advice on how to go about navigating this situation and ones in the future because idk how to deal with it at all. I would like to not hurt his feelings but also I can’t force myself to not be hurt about things.

TLDR: My grieving Bestfriend/lover(BL) is upset with me for asking why he repeated himself. So he stopped talking to me in call and eventually stopped replying to my messages. But I feel hurt when my BL doesn’t talk when he’s upset with me. Idk if I’m a mean person for what I asked and for trying to express to him that what he does hurts my feelings. I’d like some advice on how to avoid hurting his feelings but also not ignore mine.