conflicted about my feelings for my son after seeing his naked erection

I’m conflicted about my feelings for my son. I wanna tell you in advance that nothing physical ever happened between me and my son (although more on that later), and nothing ever will, so if that’s the only thing you’re interest in, I’m sorry to disappoint y’all. I’m too poor to go to a therapist, however, so I thought I might as well vent to you guys about my problems.

To better understand my predicament, I need to you to know that I’ve always been dirt-poor. I’ve been born in trailer and lived in trailer parks my whole life. I always wanted to escape poverty, tried real hard to get a good education, but eventually I dropped out of high school when I got pregnant with my son. Long story short, the guy didn’t stick around, my dad told me I couldn’t keep it, because he wouldn’t feed another useless mouth, so I fucked off and never looked back.

We’re still living in a trailer park, but it’s a lot nicer than where I grew up, and I’ve always tried to give my son the opportunities I didn’t have. He’s about to finish high school with flying colors and we’re looking into how we might afford to get him through college. Like me, he hasn’t had the easiest childhood, but unlike me and my parents, it feels like we’ve always worked together as a unit. We’re a team. I can always rely on him, and he knows that he can always rely on me. He’s made me so proud to be his mother, and even though I never like those parents whose only sense of achievement comes from their children, whenever I look at him, I can’t help but feel the same.

Which is why I’m so conflicted about the feelings I’ve started to develop for him. I don’t even wanna label it, it’s not like I’m in love with him. Of course I love him, but something happened one night, where I realized that there’s definitely something more than normal, mother love.

Living in the deep south, it gets pretty fucking hot, especially in summer, so everybody sleeps in the nude. Hell, in the trailer park I grew up in, a the real trashy people didn’t bother with clothes at all, but as I said, we’re living in a nicer place now and I made sure to raise my boy right. It was one of those hot summer nights, though, and in the sweltering heat the only way to get some sleep was getting out of your sweaty clothes and lying down naked, preferably with a fan blowing a cooling breeze of air at you. We have this little ritual, before going to sleep: Well, it’s not even really a ritual, we just hug and say good night, in my imagination that’s what you do in a loving family, though it sure isn’t how I was raised.

This night, my son went to sleep before me, while I was still outside tidying up our backyard, where we had a BBQ earlier in the evening. Before turning in for the night, I wen to check on him, see if he was still up. Turns out he was fast asleep already, so instead of getting my hug, I satisfied myself with watching him sleep peacefully for a few moments. I shouldn’t have, but at the same time I couldn’t have predicted what would happen next: He tossed and turned in his sleep, eventually coming to lay on his back, the thin bedsheet he used as a blanket had partially slipped off, revealing an erection far too massive to ignore.

I’m embellishing, of course, but that’s how I felt in the moment. You must understand, I hadn’t seen my son naked in years, and I can’t recall when I last saw his penis, much less in such an advanced state of arousal. I wish I could say that, once I got over the initial shock, I quietly closed the door to his room, turned around, and forgot about what I saw, but instead I simply stood there for what felt like hours, watching him. I cannot deny, I liked what I saw. Tyler is such a handsome young man, and seeing his toned body naked, completely naked, just did something to me, and now I can’t get it out of my head.

The worst thing is, I cannot even say when I started feeling this way. Seeing him like this made me realize that something was off, but I can’t really say if it started that night or a long time ago. Or maybe it started to shift gradually, the more mature he got, and just reached it boiling point now. As I said earlier, nothing can ever happen between us. Being white trash, originally from Alabama, I’ve been fighting this stupid stereotype my entire life. I just don’t know what to do about my feelings. Do I tell Tyler about what happened? But what’s even the point? I’m thankful for any advice you might have for me.