AUDHD 32 enby recently sober. CHS made me quit.

So I basically have been addicted to smoking weed for nearly 10 years and would smoke to relax and not have to mask. (I am neurodivergent, ADHD with a high probability of autism but I'm 32 and haven't been formally diagnosed, so I self diagnose, don't hate) Weed also helped aleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety so naturally I wanted to consume it like candy. Not knowing that all of that would lead up to what has been the most awful and painful experience of my life. Seven times I relapsed. I started out lowering my daily consumption to only a couple times a day but that became not enough for me in the end. If youre not aware what CHS is and you smoke daily, I encourage you to search about it. You don't want it to happen to you, especially more than once. I was hospitalized for a day and had to have IV drips because I was so dehydrated from all the vomitting. Later I had developed pancreatitis because I was so dehydrated (didnt fully take care of myself after a CHS; I am wholly terrible at self care due to my neurodivergence) This fact unfortunately did not steer me away from going back to being a daily smoker. I became suicidal. I tried to become sober before but I never wanted to stop. My last episode was triggered because I took hits from my boyfriend's pen while he was heavily asleep. I just wanted to feel what I felt that felt so good like old times. Stupid. Selfish. These are things I was telling myself that ultimately aren't good things to say to yourself. I still have bits of suicidal ideation because of my current living situation (I still live with my parents and am unemployed, have been for nearly 10 years, and have only ever had 1 job, no drivers license.) basically I took a decade long joy-ride with weed to escape from the depression and anxiety I felt living at home doing nothing to improve myself because nothing ever stuck and I continued to be steeped in the trauma I grew up in. Emotionally immature parents with helicopter tendencies and controlling behaviors. Just a little bit of my lore to provide context lol

But to get straight to the point I am miserable and would like feedback. This is the first reddit post I will ever be posting so I am anxious to hear what yall have to say peace ☮️