I would be nonbinary no matter what, I'm just at a breaking point

I feel so horrid for how my brain works and I feel broken beyond broken in the head. Choosing this sub to vent in because I feel like folks here would understand better than other trans subs.

Im AFAB(29), for context purposes, but I've never related to the transmasculine community like...at all. Nonbinary transmasc is about as close as I get to feeling like I belong as I am. I was on T for 1.5 years in my early 20s but stopped for mental health reasons exasperated by an abusive relationship. I've been unsure about going back on it since.

As time has passed and my exposure to the trans community as a whole has grown, I genuinely find myself drawn to the transfemme community. I generally feel more comfortable and safe with transfemme individuals, I even find myself relating to them more in ways I don't fully understand. Struggles I dont exactly have I find myself sympathizing with as if I do when I see TF content creators post about or memes and such.

I have a weird relationship with my body and sense of self. I dont usually have dysphoria that causes that crazy anxiety, but I dont like taking pictures of myself like I did when I was on T and I dont put much effort into my appearance at all because there's some voice inside that tells me I will never look the way I want/feel no matter what. I want to experience femininity, but not in this body. I dont want to be seen as a cis girl at all. I dont want to be seen as a femboy or however ypu want to call them. I feel like I was meant to trans the other way, as I say. I feel so much guilt around this. I dont want to sound like im minimizing the experiences of others. I just dont feel right in my body and I know I never truly will because phallo surgery is not refined enough for me to feel personally comfortable enough to aspire for it even.

I just needed to rant, maybe see if im alone in this. I had a dysphoria fueled anxiety attack that had me feeling numb and out of body yesterday and I realized I couldn't ignore this anymore.